Troubling thoughts, lost sentiments, hopeful desires, infamous plots, and forsaken illusions. Here is my mind.
I held our friendship dear to my heart. Nothing else mattered to me at the time. He wept for my friend after losing her. I stood by with a shoulder for him. I hid what I felt for him, not wanting to destroy the friendship we've had for the past 20 full moons. For a while, it pained me to see him so weak and lost. I believed he could somehow see more in me by staying close to him. I was misled.
It seemed as though he looked at me as more than a friend. It seemed. There were nights where we would never let go of the phone. There were days when his glances and smirk seemed more than he would let appear. There was a time when he made it known that I am better than enough when I questioned if I was enough for anybody. The bear I received from him on Valentines Day is still on my shelf, along with the panda he randomly gave me only a few months before.
Now, the bears are hidden behind my other stuffed pandas. I don't want to see them. I don't want to remember. Everything was severed after the way he ignored me during the last month of my sophomore year in school. He ignored me and left me alone. His silence killed me. It wasn't until the March of the following year when everything became clear, when he confessed as to why he ignored me.
He blamed me for what occurred with his ex. His ex is my dear friend, and we always acted in a manner that suggested we were more than friends to others. After the entire school year, his ex confessed to being gay rather than bi as she first said she was. I could understand why she went gay. There were many boys after her, and after having hurt herself with them, I could see why she wanted nothing to do with boys. For a while, he felt as though he needed to blame all bisexuals, including me and another friend I have.
He blamed me for being bi, for somehow persuading his ex to betray him in such a manner. It broke me. I ended the discussion after he confessed. I didn't want to say anything to him, because it would come out as anger and frustration. Despite being angry with him, I called him the next day to say I was sorry. Sorry for what? I don't remember, and I regret that apology to this day. To think that I was actually overjoyed when I talked to him again. The happiness ended in turmoil. I have not talked to him since that night in May and deleted his number not long after that.
I recently found his number again and have been debating whether I should talk to him again. He hasn't made the effort into talking to me, so why should I? Friendship is a two-way street. As much as I desire to hear him again, I can bot allow myself to fall into this trap. I can't. It hurts. His actions killed me. I can't forgive him. It hurts. It hurts so much.