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just watch me.
... you know, I think I can finally kick this weight thing in the butt.

the thought of food for fun has been repulsive since about a month before break. Yet I still continue to eat.

the trick, as I've mentioned in previous entries, is to listen to and actively do something about my gut feelings.

so, I'm spending tonight musing things.

like how to respond to those gut feelings,

what i should do to mix up my workouts in the new year,

and what fashion I need in the mean time.


because seriously, I'm totally okay with wearing jeans and a t-shirt 24/7.


and I promised myself I'd be more dressed up from now on.

especially by this fall. Dress to impress!

You have no idea how badly I want something to come of that semester.

How badly I want something out of the ordinary for a job, something so cool that it feels like I'm being paid to have fun.

And this music thing is about as close to excitement as I get when thinking about possible careers.



but of course, psychology is everything. As of right now, I'm in the not-so-awesome position of Overweight, which also means Overlooked, Disregarded, Despised, or -my personal favorite- Prejudiced To Be A Lazy Slob.

oh, honey.


this red hair is getting to me. I LOVE IT.







in other news, sneezes abound. Too proud to admit that something at home makes me sick. Every single time I'm here.

And sooooooooooo many family holiday photos on facebook.

Didn't even feel like flipping Christmas.

I've been loving the lazy days here. sleep in, get up and do whatever, etc.

today (in 2 minutes as I type, anyways) is the last day of peace. then: CHAOS.

again.

[as per usual, skip if you like]

Friday going to town in the morning to do some shopping, massage in the afternoon courtesy of Santa, and dad's side of the family's Christmas that night (sure to be ripe with awkwardness and family drama and "just get me out of here... pronto!!"-ness), Saturday mother's side (also ripe with awkwardness, but not as much family drama thankfully), Sunday through Tuesday work through an entire list of s**t that needs to be done (including, but not limited to at least 10 scholarship applications/essays, CMC application, sorting the pantry, and getting school materials in line for next semester) and probably a party/get-together somewhere in there, Wednesday dentist, Thursday last-ditch effort to pack, and Friday leave for Jamaica! Be back a couple days before the beginning of the spring semester, will stick around campus until the end of January then head home to pick up the plants and fish and anything else I still need.

[/schedule]




self-pity abounds.

a resigned hope for the future, paired with a depression of the present and regret of the past, does not help fuel my efforts to get gorgeous.

the Campaign has all but died in recent months.

I guess you could call the dress I purchased a few days ago part of it. I love it to pieces and can't wait to wear it ^^




also, self-esteem and confidence is at rock bottom, as per usual. I feel heavy after all this holiday food s**t, my face is super broke out, and probably the last time I talked to a boy was 12/12/12. (I'm serious, too.)

I don't feel beautiful, CB.

*sigh*


lounging around always ends up like this. depressing.






the cruise hasn't worked in my car since mother drove it the day after i got home.

i got a bunch of necessary cooking supplies for christmas, and a workout armband that my phone doesn't fit in.

of all the ones to get, she just had to get the one that requires all sorts of special s**t in order for the phone to be clipped in place. *sigh*



i know i have a lot to be thankful for. really, i know. I just don't feel like it right now.

it's that apathetic feeling synonymous with the one concerning christmas in general.



every time I come home, I get more excited to leave for good. With any luck, this is the last time until next Christmas that I'm home for 2 weeks at a time.

dorms this spring. apartment on campus this summer. nashville this fall/winter. Campus next spring semester. Open spot for internship for summer. Campus for next fall/winter.

THEN LIFE.

which will include Ireland and a go around the rest of Europe while I'm at it.

Haven't the foggiest idea where the money will come from,

but I've finally accepted that I may as well live my life so I'm happy, because money will always--


ALWAYS

ALWAYS

ALWAYS--

be an issue.


Why the hell should just a bunch of numbers on a freaking sheet of paper rule my life?

I want to live while I'm young.

















ladies and gents, that about does it for me tonight. It's been real talking to/with(?) you again, on my weird deeper entries like this. I have so many other thoughts, and i regret that as life draws me ever further from this childish site, they slip away, to be forgotten.

this needs to change.

a lot of things need to change.



2013 is coming. If I don't post before then, I'll say it now: 2013 will be a year of change. GREAT change.

Let's do this.

AND DO IT GRAND.





 
 
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