Puzzles, Riddles, Codes, its a mystery that life puts in front of you that you can solve. Maybe not in that moment and it may take years or even a lifetime but there is an answer to them. question is are you the type to solve them or leave them for the ones who want to solve them.
I can plan three steps ahead, my mind races two-three times faster than normal thoughts and it causes insomnia and even gives me nose bleeds at times. I am in no way a genius but i am a great puzzle solver. my pride assures the fact of my solving them because i refuse to give up on even the hardest questions.
My alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and self destruction is rooted there. the drugs, alcohol is not only a way of punishment but it slows my mind, makes me forget about the past and it even for a moment takes the pain away in my body that is riddled with rot, disease and filth.
from the moment i wake in the morning to the time i close my eyes and manage to fall asleep thoughts race through my mind. there are people who think im mentally deficient because in the middle of the day i can space out for hours lost in my own thoughts and drowning in the abyss of my mind.
i wish i could be rid of this thought process, photographic memory, prideful nature, stubbornness, self destruction and all the other flaws that make me who i am. i wish i could change and become a normal, stupid human being that could go around in life carefree and happy.
Im going to lay down. writing in these journals help me sleep at night and as i look back on my thoughts of previous nights i realize more and more about myself and piece the rubble back together to reveal the pieces of a man who lays dead in the dark abyss. I hope to those who read these they do not judge me for i may be transparent but at least i can say i dont hide things. i tell them how they are.
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