- But sometimes I feel like an orphan. I never had the most stable family life. I lost my mother before I realised how much I needed her. And I'm not speaking of her death. I'm speaking of the Great Loss, the one of her mind. It happened when I was about thirteen, that she wouldn't come back, that she couldn't. I don't remember the last time Timmy and I had a real conversation. And my blood-father? He's useless. Anyway, I think I'm more scared of finding resemblances between Howard Bell andI because then I'd have to re-evaluate where Timmy fits into my life and who I really am. I'm afraid, also, of caring about him. Eventually we have to lose people. But there's still this hole inside of me. My past, my history. Native American culture. Our tribe. I don't know any of it.
I miss my mom. I've been having nightmares every single night. I'm tired and sad. I just need some sleep.