I almost gave myself a little breakdown walking back from a group meeting for people with mood disorders. It had been my first time going to one and I internalized a lot of the emotions they expressed. I took them into myself to harm myself. I wanted to reach out somewhere. It is nice to hear that other people struggle like me with simple a** things. It is difficult to make other people understand just how the struggle works for me. It's a struggle that will last forever.
I was thinking on my way back: what would be my issue I would want to bring up? I knew then that it would be being torn at all times. That made me have that little realization that made me wanna breakdown: I am duality. My name has finally become Duality. I am the future self.
I have been November, September, December, January, Chisai, Sakura, February, October, and now.. finally March - Duality. I am at the end of the year. My cycle is over. Is it the end of me or the end of the girls?
Of course, before it can end I must get the last epiphany. Each girl is defeated by her trademark. For October it was ending a relationship that was very sexual. For September it was adventuring again. January I had to start the manic episodes again. December it was suffering through the nostalgia and keeping Axel out. etc etc. Each girl ran her course. Each girl came and went.
Time to die?
We shall see.
Right now I'm deeply torn about this guy I went on a date with. I don't really want a relationship but at the same time I'm not asking to sleep around with anyone. I generally don't think about having sex with anyone but that also comes from a lack of experience. This guy is willing and eager to teach me. I want to have fun and break loose. I know that I've killed or contained that part of myself too long but at the same time I want to be safe. I want to be sure I'm not going to break down or be ashamed of myself later? What should there be anything to be ashamed of? I mean, it's just sex then it's just sex. I just want to have a good time but at the same time I don't want to be used. But I'm also using him to get a good time so aren't I also using someone else. Can't we use each other? I want to have a good time. I'm not sure I'm that into him? What do I really know about this guy? Do I need to know about him. It's sex. Chill. Sex is huge. No, it's not. Really, Jen, it's not. UNnwfncj U SEE?!
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