To whoever is reading this,
Another day passes, and everyday, or most days, I still go through my memories, flicking through them like anyone would do when they are waiting. I reflect on many things. What I did wrong, what I could have done instead to save something/someone I love. But as every second drips out, I become further apart from the utter chaos which I experienced. The regrets, the happiness, I seem to have wiped out a bit, lost a few 'videos' and 'shots', but I am glad I still have many to keep within. And, no, it's sometimes hard to write on a piece of paper, and I realise how public this place is on the internet, but I am just somebody with the first world problems of her social life, going through the phase of puberty. -_-''
There is just one person who I kept going through in my mind for at least 4 years since a proper friendship/love. I don't think he would think he would be on this site, so I guess it's ok. 'Just spill, the voice said to me.'
I met him for the first time six years ago. Not long, I guess, but it is still some time. He was just him. Nice, quiet, but friendly. He always had that facial expression that confuses me to whether he is smiling or not. But I guess that's just part of his character. The teacher made the class sit in a boy girl formation. I didn't mind because next to me was a childhood friend of mine, and the other side, him. I still remember him having a nose bleed. I still do not know why my mind would keep such a weird memory. Another time was when he invited me to the birthday party. I was so excited for it, writing everything down ready to go, until my parents didn't allow me. I still have the invitation. I glance at it here and there.
Skipping forward two years, I am already in the year where I graduate primary. Girls gossip around and me? I just got on with life, being carefree, a rebel wearing converses with my uniform yet still managed to still complete work and be a good girl, and having long hair with bleached ends due to swimming. Life was fun. I was never the girl to have many boys having crushes on, as I am 'weird'. But it was around 3 months that I realised that he liked me. I was dense. It was the first time I ever had someone liking me. I was rather taken, as he was a good friend of mine. I liked him back, childishly. We still were great friends, laughing, blushing, running around chasing each other to test our athletic abilities. It was...like a dream, compared to now. We got to sister and brother schools. We chatted a lot online and face by face. A childhood sweetheart? It's buried now.
One night, he showed me a picture he photoshopped. It was the night sky and waves of water are under the moon. He asked if it looked alright. I, who does not have any artistic talent in that area, obviously agreed, but I also criticised that the water was not realistic enough. And so, he spend a long time creating each little detail to make the waves realistic. I will never forget it.
It's summer holidays. He was in Japan. While he was there, he still kept in contact with me. It was an enduring length of around a few weeks, and so my best friend and I had a surprise visit of him. He was sweet as usual. He gave me a red fan, attached with a little fat cat plush, and he gave my best friend a yellow one. He also gave me a diary planner. I never wanted to use it. I only managed to write only a few lines in that year. At that time, I think he started learning guitar himself. He played the chords of Love Story to me, and then after the intro, he would then stop and tell me that he can't sing. I would smile and blush like an idiot. He would then show the calluses he accumulated from playing guitar, and I would just stare at the shiny hard skin on the tips of his fingers, and then both compare my piano hands to his.
There was a funny occasion when his parents went to my house to discuss travel plans. I was as surprised as much as my parents, but I was rather excited and happy to have someone going to the same way, not particularly the same school, but someone who I can trust. I really loved him. His parents were so kind to me. But the constant burden came from my parents. 'No boyfriends allowed.'
Time passed. I was having a great time. When he was at his orientation camp, he called me telling me how he missed me. The boys in his cabin were making fun of him. They were bullying him because of me. Well, they are now the best of friends. When there were projects of some something creative, I would go ask him. There was this one time when I had to create a collage of a fruit I like. Watermelons! But when I asked him for his opinion, he helped changed it into something magnificent. All girls stared in awe at his amazing work. Bright colourful, like nobody else. He was my guide, my helper, and the person I loved. I guess now he forgot all this and moved on. For my birthday he gave me 32 cranes. Why 32? I'm not so sure. It's still hanging next to my bed, like each crane would silently watch over me as I sleep. I miss his company now. I wondered if he still remembered my kiss on his cheek? I was never his first kiss though.
I seemed to have forgotten something. But time went by, a lot has happened.
Time flew. I do not remember when we suddenly stopped talking to each other. I just simply do not remember. In New Years Eve of 2011, I remember when my childhood friend invited him and I and a friend to the Opera House steps and just dwindle with time to watch that very moment. You were so awkward to me. You ignored me, you were quiet, you still had that same half-smile. When you were listening to some recording, you were baking under the sun. I insisted that you use an umbrella, but you simply rejected. I just forcefully sat next to you and put the umbrella on top. Slowly you didn't seem to mind. I eased to the fact that you weren't going to get skin cancer that way. After that you did sit up and commented on my leg hair. Rather embarrassing. It was sunset. A beautiful sunset, where you were just in front of me, teasing about my ugliness. Then somehow, you sat next to me and wrapped your arm around me. Why, after such a long time, you suddenly do this to me? ''I still don't like you.''
I sighed. Was it me who slept on his lap, or me letting him? I'm not sure. I never wrote that moment down. I cherished it. It was finally night when he took photos of a lamp post, which I told suggested. He kept blurring it, but in the end, there was a perfect shot. He still wasn't satisfied with the finished product. When it was the fireworks at 9pm, as a short person, I had trouble seeing. He asked if I wanted to climb on his shoulders and get a really high view. But I refused. I now think, why was I so stupid to reject? But then, the awkwardness fell back, and everything was as it started.
An abrupt end, wasn't it. But...he stopped talking again. It was the beginning of this year that he began texting, but after a month, the communications were forcefully cut off. I was in tears of sadness. But, nothing can be done. He is him. I will always hope for the best for him, as he has taught me so much. He may be a dickhead sometimes, but no matter what path he chooses, I will cheer from behind. As little as it sounds, I don't think you ever had thoughts on me, since you do not want to talk to me. It is creepy of me to think of you here and there, I am doing my best to move on. Or not.
I guess it has bored you to death, but I congratulate you on finishing this. Thanks for listening.
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