So.... I decided to write in my journal. I did once before, but I deleted everything that was here. There was something about the entries I didn't like. I might end up deleting this and any other entries I make after a while. In the mean time, I'll use the space to talk to myself. No one else in my life listens to me so why not?
Now where to start...?
A while back I got a job. I'm not sure exactly how long, but I'm guessing its been about a month since I've started there. Give or take some days, or weeks. I get about ten dollars a day. Sometimes its less, once it was more. I don't really mind how much money I get from her because despite the low amount, it actually helps quite a bit. The lady I work for is nice, I suppose. She has expressed personal veiws and used terms that make me think how I could ever think of her in a positive light. Trying to put things in a not so negative view I have brushed most of those instances off with the excuse that everyone has those moments. It isn't quite an exuse, since everyone probably does have a view point that other people might not share, or a moment when they say things that sound extremely bad and regret it a second later. Myself included. I am, however, at my limit of keeping my mouth shut.
I tried talking to my room mate. He didn't get the point of what I was saying and was most likely only half listening to me. Since there is no one else I can talk to, here I am. On Gaia. In my Journal. Talking to myself. Yep... this totally has "sane" stamped all over it <- sarcasim.
Anyway, the lady I work for is a very religious Christian. She plays gospel music, loudly, nearly all day long. She has a tendancy to preach to me. I try to be polite and listen, even though I don't agree with her. I need to job and I fear she'd get rid of me if she knew my real beliefs. So, I'm quite, I nod my head, smile, sometimes ask a question or two, but nothing that would push her too much out of her comfort zone. Saterday was different though. I pushed, poked, and prodded. At least by her reaction, that is what I did.
Saterday's topic was religion in schools. She said that it was sad that children could not pray in schools. I tried to correct her: they can pray at school, just not during class. Saying a prayer before and after school is usually fine as is at lunch time. My information could be outdated, or simply incorrect, but this is what I attempted to tell her. She interrupted me and said something else about how the no religion in schools thing is why she sent her kids to private school. I attempted to tell her that that was incorrect as there is a world religions class available. Again she interrupted with something about prayer not being allowed. So, I tried to tell her how it might be disruptive in an example: if a student were to pray while in class it would interrupt the teacher's lesson, and if they were to allow someone from one religion to use school as a prayer ground all of them would have to be allowed to do so since they can't show favoritism to one religion over another. And if that were permitted, there wouldn't be any time left in school for actual learning of the non religious type. I tried to teller her that there are many different faiths. That the people with different beliefs probably wouldn't like thier children to be taught faith when the parents (and maybe their respective houses of worship) were doing. I tried to compare it to someone going into her church and teaching stuff that her and her fellow church goers probably didn't want to hear about while at church. Evolution, calculus, arcitecture, another religion, pretty much thousands of subjects would not be wanted in a church when a preacher is supposed to be preaching.
I got about as far as a snail would trying to cross a six lane interstate highway.
The lady shut down around the "would interrupt the teacher's lesson" part and refused to listen any more. She didn't even let me finish my flipping sentance. But I was polite: I let her walk away in her closed mindedness. I even appologised: a minute later I said "I'm sorry if I hit a subject that you are uncomfortable with." It's still eating at me though. I hold the belief that if someone's convictions are strong, they can hold onto them no matter the subject. The way she reacted it was as if her beliefs were fragile. Then it hit me: thats how she holds onto her beliefs. She does not listen to anyone or read anything that may be outside of her comfortable little box. I find it saddening. Mainly due to how I will have to lie to her and any of her friends now. I dislike lieing. I lie to practicly everyone I know in person. The last time I didn't lie about nearly everything, when I was honest about things, it didn't end well. So its back to something I don't like, just so I don't feel completely alone in the world.
This whole even has gotten me severely depressed. I truely wish just once I could be honest to someone who wasn't me, or some annomous person online. There is no one that accepting in the world though. Never has been. Never will be.
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