Yesterday had no real agenda-- one of the few luxuries I barely have pleasure of enjoying. Mornings are always beautiful, with a walk through the manor grounds and an exquisite breakfast... The rest of the day was lovely. I spent time sketching flowers; Mother had ordered new arrangements. I treated myself to a nap and a long, relaxing soak in the bath. It's strange how I am so easily bored, but I enjoy simple pleasures perhaps most of all. There's still much to learn about myself, I suppose.
With that said, I am wondering: Why is it that it's only late afternoon and I feel exhausted? I've had to make a few phone calls today regarding business matters, but that's hardly enough to make me feel the way I am. My head feels light and I want nothing better than to sleep and let go of responsibility for a little while.
And then I wonder if this is just a physical manifestation of something greater than just fatigue...
Sometimes I think about how wonderful it might be to have a few close friends who actually enjoy my company, rather than people who get close to me because I am a Tonnerre. Trust is frivolous, but it's people who make this a fact.
I suppose I will never be able to let go of my jealousy towards Haruhi Fujioka, a commoner girl, who, despite her lack of wealth and power, still had more than what I could ever have. Friends who are real, a family that cares...
And above all else, him.
What a horrible person I am. I tell myself this everyday. Will I be able to forgive myself? How I wish it were as easy as taking that plane and forgetting about that trip to Japan for the rest of my life. It goes deeper. I'm tired of torturing myself this way.
I need to rest.
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