I am tired, cranky, and feel like ranting. You've been warned.
I spent most of the evening cleaning my mother's kitchen of all the areas that rats have been living in. After the cleaning and washing and rearranging, I baked pies for Thanksgiving. Tomorrow, I'll be preparing and roasting the turkey.
No matter how much I do for her, she always finds some stupid little thing to yell at me for, and lecture me like a little kid. I forgot to take out another stick of butter after making the pies. I piled stuff on top of the paper towel holder so she 'couldn't reach it'. Which just means she didn't feel like putting the stuff off to one side to reach the towels.
She's my mother, even if she didn't raise me herself. We've been trying to make up for lost time, for a very long time. But now I just want to live my own life without feeling like a child, or like I'm a failure that needs her mommy to take care of everything for her.
I want to finish my business plan, and try to get a grant so that I can move to a house with no rodent/insect infestations, close to transportation (since I can't drive), and which will have room for all of my belongings AND for me and my cats to move around in it.
The one bedroom apartment that is in the same building with my mother and across from the college horse barns is not big enough. I can barely move, I'm lucky the cats haven't broken or ruined any of my things, the rats have been living IN MY ROOM with me, and my stove hasn't been hooked up in OVER a YEAR.
My adopted uncle and aunt own the building, or else I'd be sharing an apartment with my mother, or homeless. Since I can't get a job, or aid, or any kind of business, really. I sew/embroider leather purses, kindle covers, and electronics cases, make jewelry, and make custom clothing. By hand. No machines whatsoever. But when I do get work, I can't seem to get my customers to bother with paying me.
I want to pay off my student loans, and back tuition, so that I can finish my Business Associates degree. I want to be able to buy and cook my own food. I'd like to be able to take care of myself and my pets. And I'd dearly love to feel like an adult again.
I'd also like to know what I did to get a life like this one. I mean, getting third degree burns when I was two years old wasn't enough suck for one life time, or having a horrible marriage that cost me the home I grew up in? I had to leave college because my nice landlord was suddenly a p***k, and I couldn't get another apartment in that town, too. So I had to move back to the apartments that I lived in with my ex, which I spent years working (unpaid) to help rebuild after the fire, and must do cleaning and dogsitting for free, for my mom, my aunt and uncle, and barely get the time to do my laundry, let alone clean my apartment enough to discourage the rodents. AND I'm still expected to pay the full amount of rent for it.
Something in my life needs to get better, soon. I'm so tired of being frustrated, angry, and exhausted. Every time I think I'm getting on with a better life, I seem to hit a roadblock, and I am so sick of it. And I can't even tell anyone, because everyone has problems, and who really cares?