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A Journal About Nothing
Yeaaaah.....
Fighting some old demons
I'm surprised I'm actually posting this on here, since I haven't updated the journal is a long ******** time.

I'm home from college, and it's the time of the year I didn't want to come so quickly. It's not because I dislike Thanksgiving, but because I have see people. And by people, I mean a particular person.

Last year, I ended a very important friendship of mine. I had feelings for my friend and she and I kept fighting constantly since she kept flirting and dating this other kid and expected me to be around for her like the good friend I had been all along. Long story short, I ended our friendship after months of depression, stress, poor communication, and an attempt at hurting myself to make the emotional stress go away. It was... Hell? I wish there was something worse than Hell, but it was Hell for lack of a better word. Following that there was a lot of negativity and hostility as she tried winning my friendship back and I went to move on with my life, despite having numerous classes with her every day. Graduation day was one of the best days of my life, if I may add, for that reason alone.

I still held a strong resentment towards Eva over the summer and I got rid of everything that reminded me of her. Unfortunately memories stay so... Yeah. I burned notes we exchanged between the two of us and I went forward with my life.

Come September, as classes for college started, I met new people, made more trustworthy friends, found a new love interest, and discovered real people and not the frustrating ones I had in high school. Concerning my feelings, though, I was still being haunted by everything that happened between Eva and I. I knew I had my share in faults in the fights that broke out between us and I wanted to avoid everything I did wrong with Eva that I did with my new group of friends.

It took balls, but I messaged Eva on Facebook (Because you can do that with people you're not friends with) and told I wanted to forgive the entire situation. I didn't want to tell her I was sorry and I wasn't demanding an apology from her and wasn't saying we should be friends again. I wanted everything bad between us to just stop because I knew, Thanksgiving Day, had she chosen to show up to our High School's football game, there would be an awful amount of tension in the air if we were in the same environment. I wanted everything to stop for the greater good.

I never got a response. While I was confident I did the mature thing and wanted to end everything for good, I knew it was either her just ignoring me and my request. Now tomorrow is Thanksgiving I don't know what's going to happen.

I'm done fighting.
I'm done feeling bad about something that isn't entirely my fault.
I'm done not facing my issues head on.

My mom offered to let me stay home, but I need to support my sister (She does color guard) and I need to thank my former band director for helping me out on a project in person.

I can't run from my problems anymore, mom. My mom saw how everything affected me and nearly ruined the last half of my high school career. I understand she's afraid, and I don't blame her because I am too, but I'm going to fight anything that comes my way.

There's a chance Eva might not be there, and if she is she may not notice me. Then again, I'm doubting she'd start anything. I'm not sure. There's so much that can happen and I'm scared because I don't want to be the loser in all of this. I feel like something's going to happen. I don't want anything to. I just want to know that this is over for good and hopefully tomorrow gives me that answer.





 
 
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