Why is it that my motivation comes from Jill's opinions?
If Jill says she likes something that I'm capable of granting her, I then am fully motivated.
I don't have that kind of motivation when doing something for myself. I don't know why that is.
Why does Jill motivate me so much? It's as if anything Jill wants to the subtlest extent, even if she asks me not to bother just for her, I still am motivated.
And when I'm doing things that I think might make Jill happy, I get all happy and proud of myself. I feel fulfilled. I feel like I'm doing something that's worth it.
Is this wrong? Is this a form of relying on Jill that I shouldn't be committing myself to?
I think what scares me so much is the idea that I might not have anything to offer Jill. To be completely useless to her.
It is a double-edged sword. For now at least, I can make myself happy by doing little things here and there that might make Jill happy. But if I ever lose my place in her life, I won't have my usual source of happiness. I can't simply replace Jill with something more convenient. But more than that, I don't want anything to replace Jill. If anything did, then I couldn't be constant.
For now, I'm content. Even if Jill doesn't think about me as much as I think about her, even if she doesn't think about me at all. I'm content.
The I-don't-know-what-to-call-this-yet Journal
I'm changing the use of the journal. I'm keeping my old entries because they're special. But I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with the journal, now. "Jill & misc" Writing about Jill. A big point of interest in this chapter of my life. An