I spent a lot of time speaking to my best friend about you yesterday. We didn't say nice things, to be completely honest. I felt really bad about it for a bit, but then one of your friends mentioned that he was the only one in that group that didn't despise me, so I can only assume at what horrors you've said about me.
We agreed, my best friend and I, on a lot of things. He was pleased. Smug, really, that I was finally agreeing with him.
I honestly, truly believed that you were some sort of messiah. An angel in the darkness of my life, and without you I would be nothing. I spent two and a half years believing that.
And I was wrong.
You aren't a messiah. You are not an angel. You are human, and an incredibly flawed one at that.
But, that sounds heartless. That sounds bitter and vengeful and I'm not. Can you believe that? I'm not bitter.
I just see you for what you really are. I see all the flaws I overlooked before, all the things that I ignored and denied about you.
And I realized that I miss the you I thought you were, not the you that you really are. I fell in love with an idea of you, not the real you.
Oh, not at first. Oh, God no. That summer was real, unadulterated love. Please believe that. But after nothing happened, after I was with someone else, I moved on. I moved on and I never moved back.
I stopped loving who you were, and I fell in love with what I thought you were. I fell in love with you're affection. Fell in love with your attention.
That's why I was never quite the same. That's why I kept going back to my ex, kept drifting away and then becoming frustrated with you over nothing.
Will you ever read this?
When I started writing this, I did intend to send it to you so that you could see the desperation I was feeling, but now I...I don't think I will. I started this as a means of the miracle you lied about, but it became something else. It became my method of understanding everything that's happened.
I finally understand what changed.
That does make me sad. Very, indescribably sad. I will always miss that beautiful summer, though I doubt you will. No point brooding over the past, right? Always your motto. Forever the serious one.
I miss the you of 2010. I miss the you I imagined that you were. I will always love the you that I created in my head.
But I do not miss the real you.
I do not love the real you, nor have I since two years.
And I am sorry. Unbelievably, impossibly sorry that I led you on for so long. That the lie I created in my head hurt you so much.
I thought about telling you, for just a second there.
But I don't think I will.
Perhaps it would be better if you did not ever know. That you continued to believe that I always loved you for the you that you are.
You've moved on already, however, so I suppose maybe it would not matter one way or the other.
The whole point of this?
Realizing that and accepting that as truth released something within me. The part of me that ached for your love is gone.
That does not mean that I am once again happy. I'm not.
I do not ache over losing you, not anymore.
I ache over the promises broken, the lies I believed, the innocence we shared, the love I thought I had.
Does that make sense?
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