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The I-don't-know-what-to-call-this-yet Journal
I'm changing the use of the journal. I'm keeping my old entries because they're special. But I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with the journal, now. "Jill & misc" Writing about Jill. A big point of interest in this chapter of my life. An
Why's it gotta be like that?
I have to be the first person to text Jill, or she won't ever have a reason to text me. I know she's busy, but people find time for the people they genuinely want to talk to. And if they really can't, they will want to compensate when they have a bit of extra time. I don't expect the latter from Jill.

The first month of our friendship, she made it, you know, pretty obvious that she had enough interest in me on her own to come to me, on her own. That's what made it so easy to talk to her.

Why is it that if she's so "actually" interested in me, she won't ever text me on her own? She has to be replying to something I've said to her, first? And sometimes, she doesn't reply. Ever. I don't know if it's her phone, my phone, or what. But she's actually made it clear that she forgets sometimes. She forgets to reply to people. Me included.

I would never forget to text her back. So why do I have to be held in such low regard? Is it because of who I am? I'm not interesting enough for her to ensure that she doesn't forget to text me?

I truly, sincerely believe. It's not "Cam" she wants to keep so badly. It's just another friendship that she wants to keep. And Jill will never execute an action that will make me believe otherwise. It's always her word which seemingly contradicts her actions. I don't think she understands that.

So while I'm confused about what she wants from me, and making assumptions about how she probably actually feels about me, because it's the only thing I can really do without actually talking to her, it's easy to come to the conclusion that our friendship is like this because I'm the person that I am.

First she enjoyed talking to me, because I was the person that I am. Or maybe she just had no one else to talk to.

Now, it's like she has no motivation to talk to me, because I am the person that I am.

And I guess she'll never act in a way that'll make me think differently.
That's too bad, because she's my favorite person to talk to. Period.
I wish the same could be said for her, but I should know my place.

In order to really be someone's friend, I feel we both need to be equal.
Jill and I are not equal. In any way.

Sometimes I fake interest in people, to appear nice, to appear polite. Still, as I have no interest in them, I don't talk to them on my own. They talk to me. And if asked "Do you still like me?" I would reply "Of course". But my actions would represent my true feelings.

I don't see how Jill can talk herself out of that.
But I also feel like I'm bullying her into admitting something.
Again, I don't know what I want. This is my life.





 
 
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