I'm so messed up... What am I doing? I'm lying... No I'm hurting people. I don't care about my pain anymore. I caused pain for someone else and it won't leave me alone. Some times I wish I had never been able to feel feelings or to chose things for other people. The pain dident go away its still there. It was just hideing behind something, him. I lose my mind when I see the old messages from him on my iPod. I finnaly deleted them. When I did I almost acedently called him. It scared the s**t of me. I still haven't calmed down my heart is still beating really fast. I wish I could make it stop so I won't hurt him anymore. I can't count the times I've made him sad or cry... It should be me crying not him anymore. I wish he could hurt me back. I guess not this suffering is my punishment. My heart is litteraly broken, but not by him, by myself. I was the one who did this to both of this. And I was even given a chance to love him again and of corse I screwed it up l. And now I have to live with my choices... I'll never get another chance, it's impossible now. I wish I could wipe his memorie of me so he could be happy now. He's been suffering a long time I guess that's what I wanted to fix. No I wanted him to feel loved, cuz I cared about his feelings... Or I though I did. I won't think about myself anymore. My opinion has only hurt people. And I'm about to do it again... If I had he guts I'd probually kill myself but I can't.. I'm a coward. And the way I've set things up the closest ill get to a romance after this, is a manga series. I thinks that's as close as I've ever been. And I'll ever get. I'll never be the same again. I'll never act the same again, I promis. No one can hear this promis but me, but I won't let it be broken.
And to prove that I'll change I won't eat. I know it's random and inconvenient but I won't. I'm freaking out to much.. I feel like I need to be suffering like him... I'm suffering enough though. I know I won't be able to talk to him again. But if I could let him know. I would want him to know that I'm going to change and not for me. For him.... Aug!!! This makes no sense!! Why do I feel it. I wish I could understand now... I'll never get anywhere at this rate. I'm still a stupid child. And I don't know if I can change...
I've never really known my purpose... But I knew I was good at only one thing and one thing only, making people smile. That's all I can do for the people I don't love. But why can't I do it for the one I do love? All I've done is hurt him. The one with a lot of pain already in his life and all I did was hurt him more... Ever since I've met him I've wanted to hug him and tell him that I care and never let him go. That was my only dream. I guess it still is cuz my arms feel pretty empty. So does my heart. I don't really have a feeling anymore it's like I'm numb. But sometimes I forget. That's how stupid I am. I wish I could label these feelings. But I can't. I wish I could just hold him in my arms once for a second even. But I can't. It's not about what I want. Or what I chose. No matter what I'm gonna screw up I know it. Nothin I can do but fail. And that's all I'm ment to do. I'll hide behind this mask with a smile for those who need it. I just hope that there won't be another that wants to know the person behind it. I'm crying again.....
xI-LovelessxRitsuka-Ix Community Member 
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