what is this feeling? i feel like since i let all my feelings out on paper i somehow feel .. free i guess. like a Weight has lifted off my chest thats been there since i could remember. but ever since i told him my feelings i feel like a blank page as if someone hit a reset button and all the pain went away. i can remember the pain but i cant feel it anymore. What is that? its a feeling i cant discribe. i just feel like new, like i could finnally do something different but yet i feel like i'm not going to. i feel like i was traped as i child and now that kid is free to do what it wants but it cant. its lost and scared. i am scared. i guess i've always been scared of somthing. like failing someone or my Pairents which i am doing now but i just cant do anything and im sorry. i feel like im gonna hurt someone else. but i dont . i was always afraid of hurting a certen person but after i relised that all i did was hurt him, i guess i just felt like i needed to help him by fixing his heart. but i couldent. something in me wouldent let me help him as much as i could. i tryed loving him again like i thought i did. but i guess all i felt was the child in me that wanted to fix him. i've always wanted to see everyone smiling so ive always smiled. no matter how i felt. i am much like a child. ill forget im sad untill im reminded, my mind is easily distraced when it comes to feelings, and i guess im easily swept off my feet too. i read to many romance mangas i guess. but i feel like everyone around grew up and i stayed where i was mentally. yes my body grew, but im not that different from when i was a kid. im still very observant. im less annoying i guess. i have more friends than i use to.... i remembered somethig today.
i went to the park today to help my friends moms babysit, and since it was Saturday there were alot of kids there hanging out. they were all elementary kids and they were a big group of boys mainly and i was going after one of the todlers and they all started throwing stuff at me and calling me names and laughing at me. of corse i dident do anything cuz their kids, but as soon as they did that it reminded me of how my elementary life was. i was always teased cuz of how i looked (i've always been kind of chubby like most of my life and still am - .-') so i guess i never noticed it, but i was always alone. no one wanted to play with me much and they only time most kids would talk to me is when they would tease me. i guess i havent changed much from when i was in elementary cuz after that i went to a park bench and i guess i kinda cryed u could say. i was a away from my friends Chris and Lilly so i guess they dident notice, but that reminded me of how i use to be and those little sawgfags really pissed me off so i went back to them and said what i wish i could of said when i was little. i walked up to them and they said, "what do u want gorila?" and i said, " why do u have to say that?"
"because thats what u are."
" no sir, i am nothing more that a human being which could do everything u can and more. you only say that because ur a bunch of idiots who can only see with their eyes."
they said, " like u could have feelings? your too weird."
"is it cause i look different that makes me have no feelings? well i certenly do. i have tons of feelings, and even someone to share them with. if u guys keep this kind of aditude all you'll be when u grow up is alone. like the people like u made me when i was littler. well i've learned to just let stupid people like u be idiots and miss out on some awesome people.or mabie you'll just grow up and act like u were never a dipwad like u are, i just hope u meet someone to change that stupidity."
after that i walked away and they pretty much ignored everything i said. yes i made it a little more dramatic than it needed to be, but i need those feelings out becuse they've pretty much been there since like the 2nd grade. i feel alot better and i dont care about anything from then anymore.
but i was teased alot and i never really noticed i dident have friends, and a lot of people started dateing when i was really young and i when that started i just got teased by boys. i was never teased by girls around the 3rd to 5th grade. only boys, luckily i was never beat up xP but the closest to that ive ever been is wen i was walking home and was chased off the side walk by guys on bikes and they dumped water on me and hit me with metal water bottles. that was like the worst its ever been. but after i went to the 6th grade, some of the guys that use to tease me apologized and one even confessed that they liked me. that was like the most akward moment in my life - .-
anyway i guess that once i've gotten rid of all my bottled up feelings i guess the pain of that feeling goes with it and then it becomes noting but a memorie. i think thats what happend to me. it feels like a memorie. and it feels like i could copletely rewrite my love life. i know now that im not just a worthless person. I know people that care about me now. regardless of my face or waist line. they know me only by my personality. Today wen we were at the park, i usually get bored of staying in the same spot for a while so usually ill get up in the middle of something random and move to different place and my friends usually fallow me. well as soon as i stood up, my best friend lilly stands up and hugs me by the waist and walks with me, then i hear my friend Chris say," lol lezbos." and my friend Lilly said, " Yah ur just jelous cuz im Gina's Best friend." and he runs up and hugs me by the top of my stoic right under my boobs and my friend lilly says, " you dont tink of her as ur best friend all u see is her D cup!" and then he got mad and started pulling on me and said, " no shes my Gina!" and they were pretty much fighting over me like a toy and then we all finnally fell over from them both pulling on me and then lilly and chris started hitting eachother like a bunch of kids and then lilly got pined down and Chris was tickleing her and i looked like he was grabbing her boobs so i kinda like tackled him and he was all confused and then he called me the c**k blocker from hell and stole my Glasses so i wouldent be able to see therefore no loner c**k block him. and then he started messing with me cuz he knew i couldent see and i still kicked his a**. lol i think thats why he dosent try to molest me like he does lilly. that and he doesnt hit me like he does her and when he dose he usually aplogizes. and ten goes off to mess with lilly again. i notice alot of people dont play beat me up like they do with other people. only lilly does and wen she dose she usually just hits me in the boob or unooks my bra. thats why Chris calls her a Lezbo. but i know tat chris doesnt like me cuz he straight out told me a long time ago. sadly it was when i had a little crush on him too. i dotn like him now and i dont think i ever really did. its ust he kissed me on the cheek like the first day i met him and i guess that techniqally counts as a first kiss even on the cheek. so i guess i was inda scared of him and my friends diagnosed me with a crush but ten i found out e was abig butthead and i understand the stupidity of thinking of a crush on him. i still get kinda scared when im around him but i dont like him i swear on my life. he just makes me nervous cuz hes unpredictable but hes not someone i could reall like as a boyfriend or anything. hes just chris now but i cant think about when he issed me or ill freak out about it all over again. damn cheeks causeing me mental trama. but ill literally never really ave to worry abouy Chris, plus he likes lilly and her big sister so yah.
i feel so weird for talking about this. who cares no ones reading it.
but yes i feel like my feeling dissaper when i let them out. i feel like i can love someone else now. and i know now that i can move on in my heart. and thats exactly what what im doing.
searcing for my Love story <3
xI-LovelessxRitsuka-Ix Community Member 
|
|
