You know, I used to always think I was different.
And I liked it.
Thing is, I've realized I'm more or less the same as everyone else. And that makes me feel worthless at times.
I mean, I have different skills and talents; a different personality completely. I have my own little perks that make me unique.
Ironic how everyone's own uniqueness is the one thing that makes us the same.
I mean, I don't hate it. I just want to.. change it. People can't decide when or how they're going to change. Same goes for me.
I want to be a girl who is stronger, smarter, and just better than everyone. I possess a dangerously competitive spirit. That's what makes me me, you know?
Sometimes, I feel threatened.
There's this girl in my class, absolutely beautiful. She wears a ton of make-up. She's the only one in my class who wears make-up. She dresses exotically, and her personality is amiable. Her appearance, I like it. Her attitude? I like it. I like her. I like her so much, it throws me off. People may say she's fake, but I sense a genuine aura around her.
She's happy. She's had lots of things happen in her life, and she's matured; both outwardly and on the inside. She's not smart, but she's hardworking. She's not natural in terms of appearance, but isn't that what makes her special?
So special, even, that it makes me jealous.
I hate being jealous. I don't show my envy, but I'm aware of it. When someone gets jealous of you, that means you have something they want. It means, in their eyes, you have more, you are more. Jealously is a sign of self-defeat. It's a sign of mental weakness, and inferiority.
I'm jealous, very jealous. At times, I wish I could control how I feel. On the outside, I do that well. Yes, yes, very well. So well that no one would offer me help since I look like I'm fine.
Everyone is struggling their own battles. Some are just better at hiding it.
And I envy those who hide it away so well, that they themselves are free of the burden of self-conflict. Lucky, I say.
This entry is more of.. hm.. a reflection, maybe.
I mean, I was once very different. I was noticed a lot, and a lot of people knew me. It was nice. I mean, at my school, there's not really a thing as popularity. It's just, the more you reach out, the more hands respond.
I once had, metaphorically, really long arms. And a lot of people were there. Those people changed. And as a result, I too have, unknowingly, changed.
I wish that I was different. In changing, I evolved to become another one of them.
*DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN*
I've lost who I really was. The more I long for my past, the more apart I become from the present. And everyone knows you can't go to the past. Time is a dimension that moves only forward. It can not be altered once something has been done.
Now, I'm feel, honestly, incompetent. I feel that everyone is so much more special. They have so much more potential than me.
I want to become the girl who is so outstanding that she can pick her own future, full of a variety of opportunities. I'm not a hardworker. Truth is, work doesn't even appeal to me. I'm smart, yes, but I lack the will to push myself forward.
There's always room for improvement? I guess. Ah geez, I can't stay of one topic when I talk about this type of stuff.
I don't even have a point for this entry. I just feel obligated to write daily.
I was a miserable child. And after having met some amazing people, I've moved on. I've become a happier person. I can't smile because I lost control of those muscles, having not used them for so long. It seems that I want to admit I am truly happy, but my past is holding me back. My past, that was so strong and vivid, has this incredibly forceful grasp on me, trapping me in my own reality.
My reality is different, but I am like everyone else.
In my reality, I'm surrounded by opportunities, but the moment I chose it, so does someone else. I don't want to compete. My spirit would probably hate my opponent. It's hard for me to sincerely accept things, including people.
If you're lacking in obvious traits, I won't immediately like you. If you're extremely talented, I'll envy you negatively.
That's what I want to say. I feel that that is how I think.
But I know it can't be true. That's how I shouldn't feel. But, I can't help it. My past is dragging me behind. I can't say I'm happy without feeling that I'm being lied to.
No, Lucia, you're not happy. No, you can't accept things for what they are. Yes, you do have you're own reality, but no, you can't control it. You can't change yourself.
Why is my brain so negative, guys? I need help.
Oh, but on the happy side, I've resumed knitting.
KNITTING FOR THE WIN!!
'Kay, thanks fer' reading. Goodnights if it's night.
And hearts, and hearts, and hearts, and hearts, and hearts, and hearts,
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