So, I've missed a few days.
The first day I missed was Monday. I have no excuses. I was just really tired that day.
The second day I missed in a row was Tuesday. That day, I have vaccinations, which hurt!! And you know what? I tried to write a journal entry, I swear. Thing is, my computer had a slight problem and it restarted itself. My entry was lost.
If I were to summarize Tuesday's-to-be entry was about how I was really afraid of needles. I'm not putting that much emotion into it now because I got over it. The pain was still fresh Tuesday.
During the short moments before my turn to get shots, I scared myself. I developed an extreme phobia of needles, and I almost cried, not out of pain but out of fear. It was the first time I was confronting my fears, and it hurt.
I woke up Tuesday morning for wrestling practice. It was to be held 7:30am, but apparently it was cancelled. I didn't know, and I just came to school really early. Instead, my friend (who also came early for wrestling practice) and I played volleyball for the game that was to be held that afternoon.
Thing is, I live in Canada. On the Tuesday, it snowed. Like, we had legit Canadian weather. 10cm of snow when I woke up, and it kept getting taller and taller throughout the day. It was cold. And because the snowfall was so sudden, the game was cancelled.
Thank God the game was cancelled. To play volleyball with vaccinated arms..? Uhh, I politely decline.
So then came Wednesday, the third day I missed. This was an AWESOME day!! I don't know how manay of you know what WeDay is, but yeah. I went to WeDay!! For FREE.
So basically, WeDay is this giant organization dedicated to making a change for the better. I'm not even kidding, it's huge! And I was surprised when I got picked to go. See, you can't buy the tickets, you're supposed to earn them. At my school, it was more of if the teachers liked you or not. Or, that's how it seemed.
Ms. Ziadeh? If you ever read this, thanks for picking me! It was too awesome.
And wow. WeDay was amazing. There were so many things. I kind of want to talk about it, but it's too much, and I apologize.
Oh, and for your information, WeDay takes up a whole school day. Woo! So I didn't have school Wednesday. Regardless, I still had to go to school super early to meet up with the other students chosen to participate, and so that my school could get better seats. Funny though; in the end, we had assigned seats.
I SAW MARIANAS TRENCH!
And they performed. I ought to admit, they're not the best live.. but hey, it was the people that counted.
Ah geez, I screamed so much throughout WeDay. Or I mean, I cheered a lot. It was just..
So yeah, you should look up WeDay. It's really cool, I guess. I mean, it's super motivational, and real eyeopener. It was just.. wow. I mean, in most cases, changes that could dramatically alter the world in a better way..? It seems surreal. But WeDay really made it seem palpable, almost. I mean, if you ever get the chance to go, don't turn it down! IT WAS SO COOL. Dang, awesomeness-overload.
Anyways, enough of Wednesday. That was yesterday, by the ways.
Today started off normal. I had wrestling practice at lunch. I don't know how to explain it. I like it. Our coach is super strict when it comes to practice. Like, he seems like a real, professional coach. And when he coaches, you can expect pain.
It's... nice. I don't know. It burns to an extent where you want to cry. I almost puked today even. And I shed a few tears.
TEARS OF DETERMINATION AND PERSEVERANCE!
It was so painful, but it felt so refreshing somehow. It was nice.
I mean, being born a girl, I can spot flaws in everything, especially myself. And I always saw myself as fat. Yeah, I had a pretty developed mind when I still had my baby-fat. And since I could have memories, I knew I was fat.
I'm not anorexic. I'm not skinny. I'm average weight, and the average weight is overweight..
I'm not noticeable fat, no. Thing is, to other people, I look completely normal. What other don't see is what I see in the shower. I see how not flat I tummy is. I see how fatty my thighs are. I see the lines on my neck, almost everyone has them but only I'm offended by them. I see myself for who I am, with my flaws. Others? They don't see that.
Somehow, just knowing how flawed my body is in terms of figure and weight, I feel inferior. And I workout. Like, my class sees me as, like, a freakishly strong girl. I'm like a man in a girl's body.
But no. I'm a girl. Sadness.
I joined wrestling not only for the sport, but also because I knew it would hurt. I knew that the pain meant I was burning fat.
Confession time? The more I workout, the higher my self-esteem is. When I feel really crappy, I work out. And worse I feel, the more I work.
Lately, I've been fond of this dude. Every time I see him, I get a bit happy. And that makes me fat. So who cares about guys? I try not to be. Stupid hormones. LOL
Ahh, that was weird.
So yeah, wrestling. I like it. It hurts in such a nice way. I'd be smiley through my cries of pain. And laughing. I was laughing a lot today, which made me want to puke.
...to puke rainbows, of course.
I have this thing where vigorous exercise makes me gag. My throat gets dry really quickly, and if I drink water immediately, I'll puke. It makes me feel fragile, but at the same time, I like it. It tells me when I've really started putting in effort.
I remember whenever people get bad grades, the teachers would go like, "It's okay. It's not the grades that count, but the effort you put in."
Of course, them saying that made me feel horrible. It made me think. I tried so hard, put so much effort in, hoped so much, and all I could achieve was that? How about no.
Tuesday was the original date of my volleyball game. It got moved to today.
It was our first game of the finals. And we lost. Utterly.
So that's that. There goes volleyball. I was never good at it, but I was a bit disheartened when I was how sad my friends were.
Cheer up, guys. Because you know what? You might not have won the game, but you won a place in my heart.
JUUUST KIDDING! But seriously, be happier.
I surround myself with happy people. Seeing sad people makes me feel pathetic.
I swear, my comforting-other-people skills suck. A lot.
SAD PERSON: "And then.. the car.. just ran over my dog. Spot.. I miss him so much."
ME: "Oh? That's a pity."
I'm not heartless. It just that my heart is inside me, and I don't posses the ability to show it outwardly.
Ah, I guess that's enough for today's entry? Yes? No? Well, I'm ending it anyway.
Thanks for reading, and goodnight if it's night!
And hearts, and hearts, and hearts, and hearts, and hearts.
Manage Your Items