I'm going to go straight to the point: am I really over my Post Dramatic Stress Disorder?? I've always assumed since I can have sex, then it's okay. But it's not. I can say I'm okay as much as I want, but if it was really okay then why is sex the most terrifying experience for me. I'm always scared.
Did I screw up? Did I do something wrong?? Am I suppose to feel this dirty afterwards? Am I always going to get depressed? Is it always going to hurt?? And what I just realized today: Am I ever going to stop blacking out all of sex??
I realized it yesterday, when I was drinking with Stephen. No, we did not have sex, and never well. We did cuddle though. I've never had someone treat me as nicely as him, not even the stupid, selfish b*****d Colton. ((Little mad right now, he tried to sell drugs to my 14-year-old nephew at his school!!)) He kept asking me what I was thinking, and it was then I noticed: Nothing. I allowed my mind to go blank. And when I did try to talk, I was shocked by how tiny and scared my voice was. It was as if my own body was telling me not to speak. If I spoke, he might get mad. And if he got mad, then he'll do something bad.
It's crazy!! What I can't figure out is what I'm scared of or why. I'm actually getting a little bit more scared, because the more I think about things, the more things that come to mind. No, not things. Memories.
It all started when I started dating this nice boy in junior high. 'Til this day, we're still close friends. But shortly after, I started having nightmares. And then I got scared of men, because I realized very quickly that they weren't nightmares, but old memories. Even to this day, every time I try to get close to someone I like, it's the same story. I freeze up and don't make a single sound, and been called distant during the act. And it's true, I am. I don't even remember. I remember the beginning, and the end. If it was just one boy when I was a kid, it wouldn't be so bad. But as time goes by, I keep remember different horrifying experiences with different boys, and it just seems like their from when I'm getting younger and younger!!
It makes me wonder about my whole personality. Hating to dress up, wear make-up, and being as disgusting as I could as if I was one of the guys. I've always been asked why I'm like that, and I joke about the answer. But really, why am I like that?? I have no hatred towards any of the items, but I don't want them myself. Not true. I want the items, but for some reason whenever someone calls me pretty I get scared. Why are they looking at me so much?? Why did they have to say it?? I don't want people staring at me, because then they'll want to touch me. If they touch me, then they'll learn I'm scared. That's why I have a bubble.
In the end, am I going to be alone forever because I'm scared?? Because when I was a little girl and throughout growing up until junior high, I learned to block out things that I thought were scary and now I'm doomed to forever black out?? I wonder how one gets passed it sad
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