It's kind of funny, this break up. It didn't really happen like a breakup. I was joking around, and all of a sudden, he hung up and hasn't called me, texted to me, or responded, since. And yet somehow, I'm completely okay with it being over. No heartbreak from me. It's like "hmm, whatever." BUT at the same time, it's weird. For the last six months, I have stayed up later with him on the phone, talking for hours about things I never would have thought of. And I miss that. Kind of. It's not that I miss that, just that I've gotten into the habit of talking to him about things I couldn't talk to anyone about, because the ideas were so out there, people would think I'm crazy. And I'm not used to going to bed at a normal time,which is a bad thing. I should get back into the habit of that. I wish you could understand what is running through my head right now. It's sorta like this:
"Hmm...I miss having someone to talk to when I'm upset. I want to pick up my phone right now and text him. But no. I can't give him anything that might let him think I want to get back together with him. Too late. *texts hi* I hope he ignores that. s**t! He responded. I mean, I do love him. And I always will. But...I've got to move on with my life and he's going nowhere. And I'm strangely okay with letting him go. I kinda miss him. I have a feeling I always will. It's that first love thing, yeah? I really gotta move on...."Big Girls Don't Cry" by Rihanna really applies to my life right now. Didn't think I'd ever say that."
Because the thing is, while I love him, he is absolutely no good for me. I mean, there's the bit where I can (could) talk to him about ANYTHING and him be helpful instead of judgmental (most of the time). His personality just drew so much energy from me that I became depressed and stayed that way for long periods of time. And when I wasn't just sad, I was angry at him. For making me that way, his way of being passive aggressive "no, no, I can text you if that's what YOU want", and just plain giving me bullshit for absolutely nothing. So this breakup, whether or not I want to see it this way right now, is a great thing. And In a couple of months, it won't be such an issue. Right now, I have to work on self control and not text him, and just let go.
But he just responded. And finally told me the words that I needed to hear. I'm crying tears of sadness while smiling at the same time. "I've realized some things...I don't want to be with you." It's funny how I can take those, and move on.