Okay, so lately, quite a few people have been asking me why I don't like-like any guys.
Truth is, I do like someone. There was never a moment in my life where I didn't "like-like" someone. I'm totally honest here. But you see, I was never over-obsessed with a guy.
I'm not the type of person to go out and spread the word about who I like. Crushes are supposed to be secrets, right? It's called a secret for a reason.
This is how I do it. I find out I like someone, I do a lot of research on them, and we both like each other. Okay, that third point doesn't follow up very well, but it's true. Guys are, no offence, pretty easy to see through. Or maybe it's just me who can see through people like glass.
When a girl likes a guy, I can tell. I don't know if other girls can tell, but I can. It's obvious when they like someone, and when they don't. Who they like can be hard to find out depending on the girl.
Guys are different. You can't always tell when they like a girl, but for me, when a guy likes a girl, I can tell who he likes. This, however, doesn't apply to guys that I like.
I do have this seemingly magical gift of being able to read people, but it seems my "powers" are pretty much useless if I like-like the person I'm trying to read. It's like they have some sort of force-field. Unfair, guys, unfair.
So anyways, how I like people starts like this: if I don't like anyone, the first person to confess gets me. Pretty easy, right? I guess I sound not very challenging.
When I like someone, I don't tell anyone except that person. And even that person won't know for a while. See, I'm really good at keeping secrets, my own and others'.
I'll just tell you now that this'll be a somewhat girly entry. I'M SORRY FOR NOT BEING A BOY.
Well anyhow, let's rewind my life to grade two, was it? I don't even know. Anyways, in some grade back then, ALL the guys in my class were stupid and mean. There was this one kid named Calvin, and he was really nice. He was probably my only guyfriend back then. When I found out he liked me, I thought, cool. But eventually, I noticed that I really liked him, so we started hanging out a lot. He would always play with me during recess and it was all quite swell. But after a year or two, he moved away. He told me he would come back in grade six. I waited.
Dear Calvin, if you're reading this, I waited for you. BUT YOU NEVER CAME BACK. GEEZ.
So for, like, three or four years or something, I kept him in my heart. During these years, I didn't like anyone. I didn't show that type of affection to anyone. Actually, I practically ignored guys unknowingly.
So uh, my former male classmates, sorry for not acknowledging your existence.
After grade six, I gave up on Calvin. There was no way he was coming back, and I hardly even remember his face.
In grade seven, at around Christmas, some guy confessed. There goes my foolish heart. So we talked days upon days. Well actually, we talked at night, and we'd stay up to talk to each other. And then, WHILE I STILL LIKED HIM, I found out my classmate, who was a girl and thus ultimately my friend liked him. So I figured, oh well. So my friend dated my "crush" and my fondness for him grew dull and died. And then I found out how much of a douche he is, SO THANK GOD I didn't get absorbed into that. And no, that was not meant in imply something dirty. It was meant to say I didn't get obsessed with him.
So then, my friend from fourth grade to sixth grade confessed to me. He apparently had a crush on me since fourth grade. Such faithfulness. So we talked, and a few months later, I kind of started developing a fondness for him. And I thought, oh crap. But see, he confessed to me almost everyday. How can I NOT succumb to that? So I liked him. Before I knew it though, I started seeing patterns, in both myself and the guy I liked.
I had then started gathering information on the human mind, and found out, hey, this isn't as complicated as I thought.
But I got to know him too well. He then became my best guy-friend. I told him my secrets, and my past, and everything really. He became my journal.
So sorry, Ron, you became my journal with feedback. Thanks though, for reading the useless things I sent everyday.
As I could have guessed, my fondness faded. With my research, I was supposed to lose all fondness of him completely. It bounced right back up. Again, that was not intended to sound dirty. As fast as my fondness for him increased, it decreased likewise.
And then came this guy who was, as far as I know, normal. Decent looks, excelled in math, pretty nice. There was this rumor that he liked me only because he teased me a lot. So what?, I thought. I don't know how, but now I like him. This time though, I'll let it pass like a cold.
See, I already like-liked three guys. Now, to me, it just seems stupid. I hate myself for wanting to be with him every breathing moment of the day. Honestly, after I stop liking him, I'll start liking someone else, right?
BUT ANYWAYS, that ^ was just to say that I did and do like guys.
I don't like a lot of them though.
Anyways, today I went out with a few friends, and in that group of friends was the guy I liked.
We had a really awesome time, I'd say. I need to go out more. I'm like, an internet otaku.
After we watched a movie and stuff, we started saying our goodbyes. And my female friends hugged the guy I liked, along with everyone else but I didn't pay attention to that.
Truth is, I wanted to hug him too. I had such a strong urge to, too. I can't though.
I haven't willfully hugged someone since grade six.
I haven't willfully hugged a boy since.. shoot. I don't even remember.
Anyways, I'm not afraid of hugs, or germs, or guys, or whatever else like that. It's just that, I haven't hugged someone in so long that now, whoever I DO hug would react differently.
There's a difference between your every hug, and "Lucia's Hug." I swear, everyone is waiting for me to hug someone, even it it's just a farewell hug, it would be over exaggerated.
Calvin, I blame this on you. If I didn't wait for so long, if I didn't reserve myself for so long, maybe.. I don't know. Honestly, Calvin, I still think very highly of you. You could be dead for all I know. We haven't made contact for years. You're like a stranger now.
But anyways, even when I really want to hug someone, I can't without making it seem super special. Like, I want to hug, but not just anybody. My hug is comparable to the average person's kiss.
So because I've waited for years upon years, I'll wait more. Even when I feel like hugging so badly that it'll kill me, I'll hold the urge back.
Well yeah. That concludes today's entry.
And, thanks for reading. I know I'm a boring person, so for you to have read this much, I'm really grateful. Thanks, whoever you may be reading this.
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