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GoreGirl's Journal
Rant....
Once again I'm alone
Left to walk this lonely road
Left for dead...
Broken and feeling Betrayed...

Alcohol...
Nicotine and Pot...
And Anger...
All they are, are outlets that I try to make the pain fade away
But every single day I'm reminded of you
In my home...
In my car....
Hell, you even haunt my dreams...
Where ever I go i imagine you right there beside me
Being there with me and holding my hand
And sometimes I hate you for the choice that you made
But then a part of me knows that you can't love someone until you love yourself...

Every fiber of my being screams at me to fight for US,
Because I'm not a quitter and I HATE to lose...
But how can I fight a battle that I've already lost because you won't even try?

Should I wait or let you go?
My mind screams "Let him go!"
While my heart whispers, "Wait for him..."

To you I'm now just being "clingy" and unable to let go...
But how can you let go of something that seemed so perfect it was unreal?

One day I'm fine with the decision you made and I put on a fake smile and tell everyone "I'm ok."...
Then there are nights like this one, when I'm laying in bed by myself, all alone, crying myself to sleep
And the only thing I want is for you to be there just holding me and telling me that everything will be ok...
But every time I see you my pride and dignity get in the way and i force myself not shed a tear in front of you...
That's when my anger towards you begins and i go over all of the reasons you laid out to me of why we won't work right now...

You say we both need to experience life more and to get away from this small town
But I'm fine where I'm at, my life is, and always will be here.
And in 10 years I'll look back and be happy with where I'm at then and with what I've done with my life
You say you can't support me like a man should, but you just BEING is support enough!
You say i won't be able to handle you being gone for so long and that people die everyday out there...
But people die every day no matter where you're at...I could get hit by a bus tomorrow in my car for all I know...
And do you think it'll affect me any less if you die and we aren't a couple?!
Because if you do think that then you're an idiot....
If something happens to you, weather we're friends or lovers, it's going to DEVASTATE me either way...it won't make it hurt any less even if we are "just friends"
You say I need to date more...HA! I don't date a lot because I'm not one of those people who enjoy heart break! That and I'm VERY picky!
You say you don't want me to wait for you because "it's not fair"
I don't care about "fair" because no matter what you tell me to do I'm still going to wait for you...
So if we could die tomorrow why are we wasting time being miserable when we could be spending it happy and together?!

And yes i know this all "clingy" bullshit that I'm spewing out but I feel like if I don't try for us and you do go away...
Then I've lost you forever..
Because I know that there will be another woman out there who will see what I see.
A man who's not only VERY attractive but has a heart of gold to go with it...and trust me those are RARE to find..

And i think what bothers me the most is that I can't help you find yourself...
And I don't want to help you find yourself so we can be together again
I want to help you find yourself so that you can be happy with the man you are....
And it kills me inside not being able to help someone that I love!

But I've made up my mind...
No more crying.
And no more fighting for US...
If you don't want to try for US then neither will I.
So I'll do the only thing I can...let you go...and be the best damn friend that I can be..and let that little corner of my heart continue to whisper, "Everything will work out...you'll be together again...someday..."

And eventually the pain i feel about all this will fade away and what we had will become a distant and faded happy memory...
Until...one day...hopefully
Because HOPE is all I have left...
We'll be together again.

BUT until then I'm locking the chains around my heart and throwing away the key...because even if we never get back together, I NEVER want to feel pain like this again.
So I'm swearing off love!
I'm going to beat it to within an inch of it's life and kick it to the curve!
Because just like i use to say in middle school,
"Love? Who the ******** needs it?"

-Cr@zY B!TcH <3





 
 
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