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Ramblings of the Optional Jesus...
Dear Brandon,

It’s funny, just today I was saying how much faith I had in us and how sure I was that we’d be okay. I was saying that I’m fine, everything’s fine, which it was at the time. But now? Now here we are again. Back at the same place. I hardly get to go out at all. Ever since that big fight that happened between us I don’t get to see you as often. Alright. We can work through that. But you actually get to go out and have a life. You get to hang out with your friends and go out and do stuff. So why is it, that when I get the chance to go out with one of my friends, it’s a ******** problem? How does that make any sense? How is that even fair?

Like you expect me to sit around in the house all the ******** time while you get to go out and have a dandy old time? I don’t think so. You even admitted that you were wrong to think that and you’re glad I got to go out. Okay, so maybe this was all just a false alarm. Uh-uh. Wrong. This was no false alarm. You asked me who I was hanging out with today, I said a friend. Then you asked me specifically after I got home and I said, my friend Zak. Suddenly I’m hiding s**t from you and sneaking around? Uh, no. You know I’ve been hanging out with Zak, you know Zak is my friend, you also know that he always invites the two of us, me and you, as a couple, to hang out with him and some of his friends together so we can all have a ******** great time. But you never want to go.

Because you never wanted to go, I never wanted to go without you. I knew you’d feel weird if I went by myself. But you’ve been going out with your friends for ******** weekend trips and s**t while I’m stuck here twiddling my thumbs. So I hung out with one of my friends, in fact, he is the only friend that I have up here that’s willing to hang out with me, the only friend up here that makes an effort to hang out with me and talk to me. I appreciate that. I’m not exactly an easy person to make plans with what with my parents’ strictness. But I do get why this would make you upset. I’m not stupid.

I’m your girlfriend and we never get to hang out. You’re my boyfriend and my parents don’t let us hang out, but they’re okay with my friend who’s a guy coming over to pick me up and take me out to get wings or some s**t. I get that. It is pretty ******** up. But for you to sit there and think that I’m “replacing” you, or that I’ve “upgraded” from you, that’s just ******** low. Telling me that I sneak around behind your back and more than half of the s**t I do is “shady?” What the ******** does that even mean? I don’t sneak around behind your back, I’ve never lied to you, and I’ve never been unfaithful so how crazy do you sound?

You wanna tell me that in relationships you always think about the person you’re with before you think of yourself. You think of how what you say and do will affect them. Okay. Did YOU stop to think about how what you’re saying and accusing me of would affect me? Huh? Did you? It’s so incredibly ******** up and just plain ridiculous. Apparently I broke your trust, you’re never gonna open up to me and tell me s**t anymore, and you feel like I don’t love you. Okay. I broke your trust by being an honest girlfriend, who always told you the truth, was always faithful, loved you, and was there for you. You’re never gonna open up to me and tell me s**t again because I broke your trust, but you still expect me to spill my ******** heart out to you even though you basically smashed it into a million little pieces? Oh, and you’re gonna go ahead and spill your heart out to your friend that’s a girl who happens to think that I’m not good enough for you? Okay that’s cool. Let’s not forget the part where you said I don’t love you. Oh god this is like the icing on the cake. I don’t love you. Hm. Everything I’ve ever done is for you. Every, single, ******** thing. I never stick up for you, I never listen to you, I never talk you up, I’ve never been your shield and sword or the army behind you, and I certainly have not practically given you my entire soul, because let’s face it, I don’t love you. Based on everything I just said I clearly don’t love you. Oh no.

Then you’re gonna sit there and basically say, hey, it was fun while it lasted, we had a good run, but you’re better off without me. Oh by the way, I can easily find someone who will love me and appreciate me more than you do. What the actual ********? So now on top of everything I supposedly do or do not do, I don’t appreciate you or love you enough? Almost every single fiber in my being just wants to scream at you and tell you to ******** yourself because you are being absolutely and irrefutably stupid and mean, but there’s still this small part of me that’s trying to hold onto you for dear life. It’s trying so hard to hold onto you and not let you go but you’re doing everything in your power to worm away. You always said that you loved me and you want to be with me. That you’d never want to lose me. And yet here you are pushing me away.

I’m not as strong as you think I am. I’m really not. I cannot stand here and just argue and pretend that I’m more angry than I am broken. Despite everything I cannot let go. Earlier I was telling someone that I will not stand here and say that I have a perfect relationship. I don’t have a perfect relationship. But I would not trade it for the world. I really wouldn’t. I told you that I never say something if I don’t mean it. When I say something I say it with my entire being. I told you I love you. I wasn’t just saying it to hear how the words sounded. I said it because I meant it. And you’re telling me I need to be careful with that word and that next time I should only use it when I really mean it…?

Some people say lead with your head and not with your heart. Some say the opposite: lead with your heart and not with your head. According to you I lead with my head and I analyze things. I don’t think enough with my heart and that’s just a load of bullshit. You claim that I’m strong because with everything that’s happening to us I’m apparently “just standing there watching” as you burn. I’m not just standing here you goob. Do you think I enjoy the situation we’re in? Do you think I enjoy the fact that we’re ripping at the seams and falling apart all because of one mistake? One mistake that happened over two months ago that we’re still paying for. All because I thought I was doing the right thing, and you can’t let go of the past. Look at us.

I hate the fact that I cannot see you. I hate the fact that this could all probably just go away if I had this little thing called “freedom.” I hate the fact that you’ve lost your faith in me and in us. I hate the fact that you want me to go against my parents and how I was raised. I hate the fact that our relationship is filled with double standards. I hate the fact that you think you’re always right. Mostly I hate the fact that you are just so incredibly blind to what you’re doing to me, how much I hurt, how much I feel, and how tired I am. But even though I hate all of these things, I cannot hate you. I couldn’t hate you if I tried. That’s probably the saddest thing…it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see just how much I’m hurting here. My laptop could tell you how sad I am because it’s drowning in my damn tears. Yet you can’t see it. According to you I’m strong, and I will move on so easily and effortlessly, like you never even mattered to me.

Well guess what? You’re wrong. I love you. Always have, always will. This could all just go away overnight or you could write up the best apology in the history of apologies and I would easily forgive you and we could get back to being happy. But we both know that’s not gonna happen. Not after this. I think this is actually, really and truly how we’ll end. Over something incredibly stupid. That’s the best way to end the greatest thing that ever happened to me… anyways I hope you’re happy. I hope you whoever you were talking about earlier (the person who will love and appreciate you more than I do?) yeah, I hope they really do love and appreciate you more than I do. Hope you two are happy together and all of that jazz. If there’s anything you take out of this incredibly long letter/message/rant, it’s that I love you, and that will never change.

Stupidly, hopelessly, broken-heartedly yours,

Priya





 
 
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