The only guy who ever gave a damn about who I truly am got a girlfriend.
I'm glad, I was praying he would move on ever since he confessed to me.
Not because I didn't like him. I did. But as I was then and am now I just cannot be with anyone without ruining their lives. And I wanted this guy to be happy so I couldn't bring myself to keep him attached to me when I'm so miserable.
He told me he's really happy and I'm so happy for him.
And then there's the part of me who hates myself very much. It's suffocating and hurts like sandpaper.
This man was the first man to ever see me for who I was and love me for it. He was the first to ever give me a valentines day present, yet I never did a single good thing for him. He always wanted to help me and he was there for me like no one ever was
We had stopped talking after he had asked me out before going to a trip and I bailed out on him because I'm having a hard time leaving the house.
I found myself wanting to text him but I was afraid he hated me after all the invitations I had rejected.
So, the other day when he talked to me again I was truly happy. Even after he told me he was dating someone I am just so happy he doesn't hate me.
And yet I'm hurting...
Because now it wouldn't be fair to tell him that I did love him and that the reason why I kept rejecting him was because I hate myself so much I can hardly face the world.
It's not like I never saw this coming, I just didn't think it would hurt this much.
I'm not writing this as a complaint. I just needed to get this off my chest in some way. It's not like I can tell anyone about this because every one I know IRL thinks I'm so kind of perfect doll who doesn't feel a thing and well... honestly I feel strange trying to explain feelings out loud.
Today I went out in an effort to feel beter but I find that the more I go out when I'm like this the more miserable and desperate I feel when I get back. Specially if I have a really good time out.
I may not be able to leave the house for the rest of the weekend. I just couldn't face the world , I hate myself too much.
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