There's something that happened yesterday that I really want to get off my chest.
But. I'm not allowed to talk about it.
And yet, I feel that even if i talkede and rambled on about it that everone in my ife would be affected.
My mother is already looking at me with nothing but hatred in her eyes.
But wasn't I the victim in it all? Or could this all have been my fault?
I didn't want things to end up like this. I didn't want to end up hated by the number one person who I've tried so hard to protect.
But by trying to protect myself, I've only hurt her.
I guess I can understand why she hates me. After everthing that I've caused, I can only be seen as a burden.
There's nothing I can do to fix this. No amount of begging or crying.
I've been crying since yesterday.
And as I write this, I'm holding back tears. Tears that are fighting so hard to come out. Maybe if I had just stayed quiet and let the person do what they had wanted, none of this would have ever happened.
But I was just so tired of this reoccuring situation. All the pain that I've felt and no retribution. Talking would have solved nothing. That was the obvious.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm honestly to death scared. If I could turn back time so I had never called the cops then I would.
Because worse than getting hit, bruised, had things thrown at and scratched is having my own mother hate me so much as she does now.
Just as she had forgiven me for something else, she returns to hating my existance. I wonder how long till I'm forgiven again.
Because if I'm hated for so long a second time...I don't know if I'd be able to handle that. How can someone survive knowing that both they're parents hate them. That they're blamed for the situation.
I'm just so tired. Tired of the fighting. Tired of never resolving things. Tired of the yelling. Tired of the whispering. Tired of the stares. Tired of the hate. Tired of crying. Tired of talking.
I could go on, but what it all comes down to is that I'm tired of life.
But I know that suicide isn't the answer.
Even if I did kil myself..I would only burden my mother more with the funeral bills and having to explain in court.
So guess I'll live on with being hated. If helps her take some stress away to be mad at me then I'm willing to sacrifice anything. And from here on out, in this house full of so many bad memories I'll never utter a word again. I wont bother her anymore. But will I be able to?
I don't know what to do.
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