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I love you.
I graduated.
I'm out of high school now. It feels strange. It's bittersweet. That's how everyone else says they feel, too. It's nothing unique. The ceremony gave me a migraine and the grandmother I wanted to make it there didn't quite make it and it was still exciting and all. My brother didn't want to go so I told him to just get out of the car but finally he shut up.
I don't miss it.

Now all I do is work at White Castle. I get up and 5:45 every morning, take a shower, brush teeth, make-up, shoes, apron, hat, hairnet, drive 20-40 min to work (depending on traffic), sigh when my car door slams, walk into the building, and from there it's just running around pretending that I care if these people get good food and see me smile until 3:00 hits and I'm counting my door down and stretching in my car and flying down the road trying to get home.

It's not exactly what I want to be doing. I always wanted a promotion before because, hey, money is money and I need it though I hate it, but now that a promotion has been offered to me, I don't want it. I don't. But I do. I want the money.

I'm going to Ohio State on August 19th and majoring in English. Yeah, English majors. I plan on quitting my job at White Castle and getting a job at the campus library, but who knows.

I'm trying to not be like this. I try to be my true, optimistic self, and feel so happy about everything and grateful and praying all the time and smiling, but it's so hard anymore and I hate that it's so hard. I feel angry mostly now. I'm not a very fun person to be around now. And whenever I get the pleasure of being alone, I cry all the anger and sorrow out. I miss her so much. Memories plague me. The radio haunts me. My family gets experiences and I get notions and dreams. She was the one person who REALLY believed in me, thought I could do anything I wanted, just threw everything at me with love and protected me from the big bad wolf, my dad. Now she's gone and dad is in prison so I don't have either side of the force to deal with so it's really lonely.

So much has changed in me and I don't want this change. I don't feel in control of my emotions anymore and it's frustrating. I don't have someone to talk to about things, and I'd feel awkward anyway.

I just got to keep hoping and praying that it comes back to me, that this pain goes away, that I'll flop out of my bed one morning and I can look in the mirror and run my hands through my hair and not think of the last night I had with my grandma when she held her hand out to me and said, "Can I touch it?"
"Yeah, grandma, go ahead!"
I bowed my head and she patted it like it was so amazing and I smiled happily because she always loved the hair that I hated and she said "Beautifullll".

Graduation was horrible because I just kept thinking about when I visited her at the hospital and grandpa was telling her that she couldn't have a cigarette and she said "Yeah, I have to be good so I can make it to Ashley's graduation!" and then she winked at me.

I guess it doesn't help that I sleep in the bed that she gave me because my parents didn't get me a bed.
I guess it doesn't help that I wear the pairs of pajamas grandpa made sure I got because of the slumber parties we used to have when I was little every night.
I guess it doesn't help that I surround myself with someone who isn't here.

So many things.
I want to live my life so that her excessive pride was understandable.
I will live my life so that I can make her and the rest of my family proud. They're already so proud, and I feel so strange.

This is what I feel like saying to everyone:


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