Why am I so afraid of school?
Is it my capacity to fail? It might be. It very well might be, because I am truly terrified of failing, failing everyone, being a failure.
Is it that it's one thing that I'm good at? I'm supposed to be good at this, I'm a Ravenclaw for crying out loud. Maybe I can't stand it that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as good at school as I always was. I'm not really all that great at a lot of things, so that's a scary thought. Maybe I don't have to be good at school, though, I am good at a few things, school doesn't have to be one of them.
Maybe it's my image, though. I'm a nerd, a geek, and proud of it, but I'm the bookish kind of nerd and we're supposed to be good at school. I'm the girl who is supposed to dress in skirts and hold her books vertically as she walks with this cute little nervous smile on her face. At least, I thought I was a bookish nerd. You know what, darnit, I am one, being a nerd is about likes and dislikes and personality and not looks. Still, my self-image is really focused on wanting to be the quietly shy librarian type. It's kinda scary to think that maybe I'm more like the fiery girl, the tsundere. I mean, I recognize that I am one, it's just not what I was going for, like at all. I wanted to be sweet and kind and logical and ended up being sharp and all emotional. Like, I dunno, I wanted to be Nagato or Hermione or like a real princess who's all calm and cool and collected, and I end up being Haruhi and Asahina rolled into one, or Roxanne. Very much Roxanne really, I guess I have to stop there because I'm SO much like Roxanne. Wow. It's not really very fun, either, because I really do know just the words to hurt the people I love and guys and well, everyone really. I can manipulate and injure the crap out of other people whenever I like and it scares me. I don't want to be that kind of person, yet the more I tried to be cooler, the more fiery and cruel I became. And the cooler I tried to get, the less I'd be like the good part of me, the part where I just love and love and throw my caring into someone because they really matter, and tell people that "this is what you need to do" because they need to do it even if they don't like it, and I could be relied upon to help.
Maybe it's that I want to be smart and smart people are supposed to be good at school. Maybe not like it, but be good at it. It seems like... like such a betrayal of those people I care about, a betrayal of Raistlin and Megamind and my family. I don't think it is, though. I'm damn intelligent. Not a supergenius, no, but my intelligence quotient is at least 140 and that makes me a genius, darnit! I make connections that other people don't see, and I'm a 23 out of 24 for Gardner's Multiple Intelligences because I'm well-rounded, I'm good at singing and analyzation and philosophy and math and physics and business and teaching and I'm getting better at games, and I know that Mensa is stuck in a rut and dumbing themselves down and arrogant as all heck because they can't see that YES there are multiple answers to those questions, and I'm ranting about how smart I am because why? I'm also incredibly insecure. Oh, how I want to be a supergenius and hold all those symbols and numbers in my head, how I want to be able to edit a greenhouse schematic in my head for a year, or be good at almost every game I try (and yes, I know people that can do these things). It always makes me feel so stupid that I can't, so very dumb because look at me, I can't memorize pi to the 30th digit like my brother can, and I can't program worth crap, and my mind phases in and out when people talk to me. But you know what? I don't have to be good at those things, I can be me with my talents and be alright.
I think that it's all of these things all lumped into one. But fearing school doesn't make me better at school, I've actually gotten worse. Turning things in late, getting criticized for shoddy jobs, being told I'm a slacker, being late to class regularly. This semester, I just bombed.
I wonder what grades I really got. All Bs? A C or two?
I wonder if my dad can take seeing that report card.
I wonder if I can.
Can I go back to school in the summer? In the fall?
With the fall being worse than this semester?
Yes. Yes I can. And I will, I have to. Otherwise everything is just such a complete waste. I've been in school for seven years, going on eight. I have to get something out of it.
And I can. I know I can succeed as long as I stay calm.
There isn't anything to be afraid of, really. It's just school, with halls that feel dead and petty people in my degree plan, teachers that assign too much work, and an understanding family that supports my bills.
If it wasn't for the last one, I'd go bonkers. Really. But I have Tyler and I have my parents and my brothers and I will prevail.
I will make them proud.
I will make me proud.
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