I forgot about this account, I just read my latest entry...Not sure what to make of it.
This smoking makes my stomach sick, just smelling the nicotine on my finger tips is enough to churn it. But once the feeling of throwing up is gone and I light up a smoke, it relaxes me, and I like it. I feel almost as if weight is being lifted off of me. And the drinking too. It calms me down and I feel more centred and 'Zen" if you will. But when I drink, I get almost no sleep, and the hangover usually sucks a**.
Drinking, and smoking. Two thing's I've advocated against my whole life, and I'm suckered right in them both. I know I'm not addicted, but I know I don't want to stop either. The stress melts away, and I don't over think everything. Once this feeling of self worthlessness fades away, I'll stop. I just need them for now.
And that's it, I really do want to work on my body, I want to look good and hopefully get some confidence. I hate being fat.
Also, I need out of this city. I'm geared up and ready to start working on getting my license and a car. Once I have those, I'm out of here. I might take a week off of work, I might just quit. All I know is that, I need a change of scenery. I want the mustang, I'd do anything for the mustang right about now, but gas wise realistically, nope. I'll probably just get a focus, I might, MIGHT spring for an SUV, just because three people at work have focus' :/
· Sun Apr 29, 2012 @ 10:29am · 0 Comments