I am convinced that, because there is no way to truly know whether you can trust somebody and because people are so versatile, there should really be not trust that I can put into people. The more I know about people the more I dislike them. I hate it when people push their views on life at me. What I hate most of all is because I've got a label wherever I go. I think one of the dumbest things about this life is that, as a female, it's so messed up that other people think it's a problem that I don't want children. I DON'T WANT ANY CHILDREN. This is true most of all because I will never, ever, trust anybody enough to want to have a part of them be a part of me forever. Making children is for people that have given up on passing down their name through their life's accomplishments. People are obsessed with living forever and by having children, a part of them does live forever but honestly, I don't give a s**t. I don't care about the majority of what people have to tell me about what life is all about for them. I'm so tired of religious crap and I'm so tired about political crap. I just don't give a s**t. I don't care if I burn in hell and I don't care about living in heaven. Don't you think it's ironic that people are doing all these "good acts" to secure a place in heaven? It's ironic because those acts are blatantly selfish if they're doing them to just benefit themselves in the end. Religion is something that's way past its death date. I just don't understand why, as I grow up, the world becomes more immature around me. I really believed that we were this advanced nation but now I know that the majority of people really don't know two figs about anything. That's right. I am officially a misanthropist. I am tired of believing that people are capable of thinking for themselves and thinking in a mature way. I am convinced that people live in perpetual childhood. I refuse to trust people because time and time again they've proven to be undeserving. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I owe anybody anything.
I feel like I've already said everything to this general audience. There would be no surprises from my admittance of misanthropy. Life usually doesn't go my way and I have parents that antagonize their already shitty position with my opinion of them by introducing arguments that make me hate other people as much as I hate them. I am convinced that once I leave them behind life would cease to be so dreary. I would love to leave them to wallow in this deep pig pit that they've created. Obviously, this can't be healthy at the rate that it's developing. It's probably not going to become anything particularly malignant past the psychological wreckage it will ensue in my mind. I'm having trouble seeing any light. Despite all these things I don't believe in, I do believe that hope can provide enough motivation to keep living. I've been putting a lot of weight on hope lately and lately I've just been feeling like I'm not getting anything out of it. You've got it. Neither of the relationships I've been deluded enough to believe in worked out. The one with my second boyfriend deteriorated enough to make me want to forget that I ever decided that he had potential. I am actively trying to do just that. As for my lab partner, he is the kindest person ever and it's bothering me that he has hung on for such a long time for a friendship when I've been imagining something different. I did tell him that I have feelings for him, but I am not in love so it doesn't hurt so much that he has stuck to his vow to remain a bachelor for the rest of his life. I am channeling my raw anger into working out so that I would feel like nobody has ever known my body. I'm doing that mostly over my contempt toward my second ex. I don't think it has hit me yet that I was just being delusional about my relationship with my lab partner. It did hurt a little when this girl sat down with him while he was studying for his class. He has a class on the same floor as me a couple days of the week but this is the first time I've seen him in weeks. I sincerely hope it wasn't orchestrated to hurt me. I'm skeptical about how nice he is especially because he's told me of the various things he did that were less than angelic. I have no reason to trust him. This brings me back to my misanthropy. I hate going in circles, trying to give people a chance only to get slapped in the face. Therefore, I have decided to conclude that I essentially hate people. It's not to say they are not interesting or even capable of kindness, just that they're are generally, and rightfully so, working in their best interest and not in others' best interest. I really wish that he didn't stick on to me like he did for friendship. I don't know why he did it; it would have been rational to believe that maybe he was interested in being more than friends but it would have also been rational to believe that he is a needy person. There are many reasons for these things and I chose the thing that I wanted it to be. There really isn't much I can say about it.
I've been thinking why I entered into my seemingly shaky-from-the-beginning relationship with my second boyfriend. I think it is because I wanted to break out of the cycle of thinking about my first ex. I wanted to feed the fire with new blood so that I can move on. I really feel like I have moved on as well. Because I am a creep, I checked on my first ex a couple of times and he has found someone that he has been with for months and he says that he loves and even has a picture with her. I honestly should stop.
Le Visage Inconnu
· Sun Apr 08, 2012 @ 03:39am · 0 Comments