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The whistling sound of a cold breeze passes me and suddenly the scenery is dipped in a dance of colour as dozens of leaves swirl up into the air – only for them to gently rest against the cold asphalt again moments later. The glory of autumn plays before my sight. The mid-day warmth has quickly disappeared and a much cooler temperature was now beginning to arrive. Pulling my coat tighter around my waist I hurry across the street.
The world itself is nothing but a blur; mothers pushing babies, a rush of business men, noisy kids – they all surge past me. A school is ahead, across the square shaped piece of land dividing the main street; it is now tucked in the shadow of a large tree growing before it. Walking towards it I remember the days of my youth, when you used to hold my hand and walk me to that exact building. But those days no longer exist. They are nothing but a fading picture.
I nearly run past the school – wanting to get rid of its stinging memories. Turning into an alley I slow down, carefully placing one foot before the other. Every step I take rips me apart; it is like I am slowly ridding myself of you. Even of our precious memories together. Tears sting at the edge of my eyes. Stumbling forward I fall against the brick wall, my hands smashing against the rough surface – a dead end. I lean against it, letting myself glide to the ground. It takes everything in me to not scream.
There is too much inside of me that is not ready to be disguised into normal words. I can feel everything I want to say stuck in my throat. I press my fingertips into my eyes, calling to someone… anyone. Somehow I can feel someone on the other side listening. Is it you, Aidan? If it is… do you remember that you were my lifeline? That there was no place that I was able to go to, that you couldn’t. We were together in this unique game of life, just you and me, creating an entire world of our own. You were my rock and my shelter – I don’t know how you were able to handle being something like that.
I still remember the exact time; it was three a.m. The sun was rising by the time I got someone to give me a ride home. While riding home I was thinking ‘here is a sunrise that I would not be seeing with you’. I drove further and further away from you. It had been such a quiet morning, everything seemed sedated and organized. I was wondering, thinking – would I remember everything about that moment? The first day without you walking beside me… an ache had lingered in the back of my throat, just because it was the first time I would go home and you weren’t there. You want to know the saddest part? I do remember. I remember it so clearly, it’s like a vivid dream of you. A never ending dream, filled with memories of endless sorrow and pain. I can no longer share my reality with you. Now I am just one lonely fragment of dust stuck to the surface of this blue planet.
It feels like the whole world is getting darker. A few people pass by the alley, not paying any attention to me. A cool breeze is stirring up again, assaulting my body with chills. Laying here, shivering, I can only think about you and feel as if time itself is sucking away my strength. I feel weak with each second that passes. Aidan, you do not know how ashamed I am. I turned out completely different from what you probably had in mind. I never wanted to disappoint you; but I quit school. I live day by day with dirty jobs no one feels like doing – like picking up dog s**t from lawns; can you believe I get paid for doing that? I fell deep, with each day I transformed into someone else; I am not how you expected me to be. That’s why sometimes I wish our memories would recede into the shadows. I almost wish you would disappear too, but today, I am completely aware that you are not here. That you did leave, that you did disappear.
All that has kept me going until now is fear. It was like an invisible hand, pulling me alongside buildings and people, even time itself – just to keep me on this pointless track. As long as I didn’t break down, I could stay in that in-between world, watching life like it’s a river; flowing just out of my reach. Now I am breaking down, reality is hurrying towards me – crashing down on my being, suffocating me. Closing my eyes I let the darkness surround me for awhile.
I wish for just one thing, to touch your face, feel your warm skin again – pulsing with life. You left right after we had a fight, an utterly pointless fight. Do you know how stupid I feel about it now? Half of the colours are washed out of my world now. A year went by and autumn came to visit once again, its fresh air playing with my senses every time the wind rushes towards me. I remember visiting you every day; thinking that my presence would somehow anchor you to this planet, filling you with some substance. Then the day of your departure arrived, I was in your hospital room and the TV was on – a reality marathon, non-stop episodes of some old ladies reading stories to little children. You had put me on a silent treatment until I apologized. I never did. We sat in silence, both ignoring each other. The sounds from the machine you were hooked up to were weaving through the room, overpowering the barely audible program and the random coughs now and then coming from you.
I did feel guilty about yelling – I could barely stand seeing the way you were lying there so passively, looking ready to be plucked out of this life. You never understood how I felt in that moment when you told me you were giving up… Why shouldn’t I have yelled? You meant everything to me; of course I’d get angry about you saying that. When I spoke to you, I always did it in a kind of trance, but that day all my emotions came welling up and I could only shout at you. I no longer had any patience with your talk about just letting go. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t prepared to.
I feel a thud in my chest and keep my eyes squeezed shut. It keeps happening at random times, when the ache of my loss becomes so painful I can’t help but whimper. I’m so very angry at this world. They should have branded the idea of losing you into my head the moment I was born. It’s lonely and cold, I’m alone with this horror. Someone should have told me how I will forget about it all for just a few seconds and then suddenly remember again… it is like the sun has been extinguished and I’m never fast enough to brace myself for the emptiness slamming back into my being. All I’ve ever needed was you. Your carefree way and happy smile was too precious for this bitter world. It was like warmth, always embracing me with its kindness.
I remember watching you closely, wishing you’d just talk again because I was too stubborn to say I was sorry. After awhile, you fell asleep with the TV remote on your chest – just seconds after the show finally ended. I could feel a distinct shift in the atmosphere, as if my soul was nodding off with you, knowing what was coming. I was wide awake though, watching the screen monitoring your heart. I saw the green peaks on the screen by your bed turn into a flat green line, as if your last breath had blown them out like candles. The machine made the exact noise that you hear in movies, so just for a fraction of a second I glanced up at the TV; hoping it really was one. Right about then my own life became sort of like a film. The hero in my story had just died.
Things were happening around me but not quite touching me and it kept going like that for a few days, until I sprang back to reality at your funeral. And it hurt so much to be alive then. I had a knife digging inside me, rigid and sharp, tracing designs inside my gut when they lowered your coffin into the ground. I was squeezing my mothers hand so hard that I gave her a violet bruise.
Suddenly I feel a presence, warmth and peacefulness settles into me for a single moment. An effortless comfort that is so familiar. My eyes flutter open to look at the approaching hour of midnight, the dim light of the moon carelessly painted across the scenery, revealing the thin sheen of fog dancing in front of the alleys opening. I suck in air desperately, moaning at the fresh shots of agony which spike through me.
“You can’t be here,” I say; my voice is tiny and weak.
My heart thumps in my chest. All I wanted these past months was for you to be alive. But I’ve seen you in the hospital bed. I’ve seen you in your coffin. You died. I saw you die. I clearly heard the screeching sound of the machine as the line went flat, felt your cold face beneath my fingers. Lumps form in my throat, going all the way down into the core of me. Your shadow glistening inside of the fog; I’d recognize you anywhere at any time and place. I reach out to you – the wind smashes into my face, pushing my short brown hair out of the way, revealing my tears. Your shadow flickers in the rush of the wind. The smell of the fallen leaves surrounding the air. I pull my hands back to myself, wrapping them around me and curling back up on the floor; tightly clutching onto myself. My insides crumble. I know I’ll never see you again no matter how much I want to – that dim candle inside of me had been blown out ages ago. So how can you be standing here?
I fear blinking, scared you might disappear. Then I suddenly realize why you are here. It’s our proper goodbye, right Aiden? Putting a hand in front of my mouth I try to hold back my tears. I have to live my life without you, the person who taught me everything I knew and sang songs really off-key to cheer me up. Now sobbing I clutch my heart. At this very moment the city seems to hold its breath. The motionless air around me carries such remarkable purity and sweetness, soothing my shaking limbs. My heart jumps. “Keep moving,” a soft whisper utters.
I stare at your shadow walking further into the fog. Though a smile finally settles upon my face, I can’t get rid of the tears that are still gliding down my cheeks. Getting up I wipe the dirt off of my jeans; your slowly receding silhouette never leaving my vision. It’s ok now. I now know you were never angry at me.
“I’m sorry about yelling. I’ll be fine now, Aidan,” I shout after you. Watching your lean shadow throw its right hand up, giving me a careless wave. Goodbye.
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Insanity Speaks
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Yutora
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