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BB's 'Hidden' Journal
My online record of mostly rantings and complaints.
I'm going to try to write a bit more. I'll fail. But I'll try.
Anyways, today has been frustrating as hell. All day I've had this....feeling. Again. Like if it wasn't for my force of will, I would throw stuff or tear someone/thing to pieces. Not entirely sure why. Besides from second hand bitchiness from mum when I woke up, nothing bad has happened. Granted 'rents left....but still. There's no reason for it. -sigh- way too much bad energy in this house.....

A random thought.....I want to cut my hair again. Normally I wouldn't cut it for another year, but it's pissing me off. Which usually ends in it being cut off. Lol just realized besides from a single school pic from second grade, I don't have pics of my hair being short. Lol might change that smilies/icon_wink.gif another reason I want to cut my hair is I want to die it again. Also the reason I'm thinking of waiting. Normally I don't die all my hair. Only a couple streaks or the last like 6 inches so when I decide to cut my hair I can donate it. But this time I had highlights put in. They're 4inches out now(bout ring finger distance) so I was thinking of dieing the lower part and letting it grow out more so I can just cut off all the died part and start again. And righting that out, I realize that'd serve no purpose. Cuz i'd still wanna die it. No way I'll go.....2 1/2yrs without die so it can grow 15 damn inches. Pah. No. It's settled. When it comes summer time, I'm cutting my hair. Lol probably like I did back in England. I've been cutting similar....hmm. I dunno. I'll think on that.
Yeah no bitching today! Lol.

And i'm inthe shower, so sorry bitching begins.
Ok so my life sucks for 2 really basic and simple reasons.
1: i'm confused and oblivious. And totally helpless/hopeless due to it.
2: as much as I wish it weren't true, I really, reeally, reeally need people. Whether I like them or not, doesn't matter.

Ok reason that's a problem is I have people issues. (if you watch star trek, I got a great reference) I mean like phobia grade issues.
I've gotten better at biting it back after that damn humiliation but it's still there. I still come off a cold b***h 'cuz I'm trying to keep my hands from shaking or bolting ourlt of the room. And I know I come off a cold b***h. I was told it.
You know if I could one thing, ONE thing, from that trial, it'd be my answer to the question 'would you do it again'. I said yes. I'd still say yes, but it'd be more like 'yes i would do it again. I would glady step in to defend a friend no matter who it was, or the consequences for doing so.'

'cuz you know no one touches my friends. Lol long list of people I really don't like. Including my mother. And i know i say that a lot, but until she said my friends were stupid, unreal, and i shouldn't ever talk to them again, i just couldn't wait to move out and away. Now....NOW i hate her. No one hurts them...no one. Not even her. Had she not been my mother I would've hit her.
Lol. I really don't put myself high on the priority list. I hate her more for that than anything and everything she's done for me....

(btw, sorry some of these are so long. When i type on notepad, well a lot more gets written)

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