The relationship I have right now is more complicated then most will ever have, and thus they don't understand the immense confusion I go through every day. It is almost as though it is in this obscure area beyond friend and below love. But yet though he is like a brother to me I longed for him to love me more then that. Many days I felt him tear apart my heart bit by bit, but I let him, for anything was worth having him close to me. It wasn't his girlfriends that tore me however, I was actually genuenlly happy for him. It was little things that he would say or do that hurt me greater. I longed so much that I would only love him as a brother and not as anything more. I never wrote that he had hurt me for fear that he would find it and never allow me to get so close to him again. Today something has changed though.
So I write.
I was unable to sleep last night, when I had a realization. I understood that I would not trade what I had for anything, not even love. Then it came to me, what I have is better then love. There is an infinent sense of trust, honesty and security of having him for eternaty. He cares about me with no strings attached, without wanting anything in return. There is nothing we can't share. Very few people ever achieve this level of friendship in their life, while many people achieve love. This little fact makes it more special then love. It is something that I consider myaself very lucky for having found.
When I realized this, it explained so much. It explained why I or anyone else could not understand it. Beyond that, it freed my heart. I can still love him without letting my heart tear. I felt, as I thought this, a sort of glowing in my chest, that I can only describe as my heart growing back. For the first time in a very long time I felt free. I can love him and hold my heart, and now I too can love him the way he loves me, without strings attached.
I love you hun!
Aiusagi Community Member 
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