yet slips away from us?
There's no chance for us, it's all decided for us, this world has only one sweet slow melody set aside for us"
A tragic song, but accurate. Who dares to love forever, indeed.
Have I mentioned that I clean and cook when I'm upset? In the past forty eig Sheht hours I've created two batches of fudge, three batches of cookies, and one of rum balls. I've also gone out and bought six organizing baskets, filled them, and reorganized my bookshelves and desk. These past few days I've woken up unbearably aroused, craving certain scents and experiencing a lack of appetite. A clinician would say I'm depressed and they would probably be right but can one really use such a powerful, weighty label to say that I'm pining for Her?
Last night at around 2am she texted me that Her girlfriend of a few years had now finally, at long last, left her for good. Last year it would have meant that She might finally consider me, now it just means that she's a little lost without her best friend (me) to comfort her as I am far away. Not that she'd ever admit if, of course, its just that things will be weirdly unsaid when we meet again. She'll be numb for a while, go through the grieving process as usual, try to ignore that she's grieving, give me the tail end of her grief, and when she sees me who knows what will happen. Well, I guess I know what will happen.
I deceive myself by pretending that there is any real probability she'll approach me or do anything other than what she always has done - tease me and act innocently affronted when I point it out. In the meantime I am once again spinning off into cognitive chaos turning the improbably possibilities over and over in my head. It seems I can't even get off anymore without her on my mind. This sucks.
Meanwhile Christmas fast approaches. Five days is not long at all and I'm eager for the distraction the event will give. There will be books and chocolate, and time to use my jump rope, and money to squirrel away towards replacing my broken laptop.
Tsukamei Community Member 
|
|
