-My Brain on Nov, 6th 2011-
“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” – Raymond Lindquist
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” – Sven Goran Eriksson
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” – Sven Goran Eriksson
Amazing quotes I found last night when I was struggling with decisions, about taking an opportunity ..that might or might not work out. The opportunity= my friend who lives in California, that I've been friends with since 8th grade, is getting a house with her husband and wants me to try and come out there to live, to start my life, to try and get a job. I just thought over and over again about it hanging over my head. I'm scared to leave my family and my friends and I'm use to being so familiar with how everything is going right now in this point of my life. I mean.. I'm not exactly comfortable about where I am or happy..it's just safe. I'm playing it safe and being a coward really..and honestly I'm just scared to venture out into something that's scary or not permanent or for sure. That's exactly what's holding me back from making an important decision.
I'm scared of failure, always have been since I can remember, and I'm trying really hard to get rid of it.. because I learned it some where in the past and I realized that I'm not always as strong as I say or want to be. I have 2 fears: The Unknown and Failure, and If I go with this opportunity I could be dealing with both of my fears, with just one rash decision.
"We all fear failure. It’s a learned habit. It is said that the only fears we are born with are the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises, the rest is learned. There’s nothing wrong with failure. In fact, if you never fail, you will never grow." (This is not exactly a quote of someone famous or anything, it's just what someone said about the quote..and I thought it was pretty powerful, and inspirational.)
I also have 2 things I strongly believe in: Karma(doesn't exactly have anything to do with this post) and things do happen for a reason.
A little bit about why I'm kinda not happy; I'm a very independent person and I have found recently, I feel stuck. Just waiting for any opportunity, something to keep me hanging on to everything I know, so I don't have to risk anything. I need to see if I'm meant to stay in this state..Literally! Maybe I'm not waiting for an opportunity..just excuses to not go on with my life the way I want it to be, or maybe not...and this is all just because I'm scared, of a little thing called failure. I hate failing and I hate being scared!!
The fear of fear is worse than fear itself. I know that's a quote by someone but I'm not sure who. AND.. I'm too lazy to go find the person who said it. Man, I lack motivation in every kind of way! haha. I really need to get my s**t together.. my nuts and bolts tightened in my brain..the whole works! haha.
-My Brain's current obsession to think about on Nov, 7-8th 2011-
( I feel this part is wayy to big to actually put all of the stuff that might go together..actually together..but I'm going to try and sum it up.)
"The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs"
Hmm..where do I begin.. actually this topic I just fully thought about today.. well deep thought about it anyways.I came to realize..(and my stomach got this pain, my body got hot.. basically..the works! Like,my whole body and being just shifted..I don't know how else to explain it..anywho..) ..one of my really "close friend/best friend" (we've been friends since I was in 11th grade and she was a senior, I'm now 19 and she just turned 22 in September) and I .. haven't really been the best of friends...she's actually my roommate as well..as she introduces me as now..
I don't know if the roommate situation has anything to do about our relationship.. but I'm guessing at least a small part of it does.When we didn't live together we would hangout a lot, we could just be in the same room together, doing absolutely nothing at all ..and we didn't have to talk to enjoy each others' company. Obviously we talked, about school, boys/men, books, problems at home, family, the past, the present..everything. Now, we don't talk as much I guess.. we mostly talk about work, men, relationships, a little about books here and there.. I guess I honestly didn't know how much we never really talk about anything anymore until now..so maybe it is being roommates more then I thought...or our age difference.. she likes to party more now, I mean we still party together and stuff I just don't go out to bars with her or anything.....but my main point about this is ...it shouldn't of gotten like that.. I feel like somewhere along the way she kinda just didn't think of me as a best friend anymore or I'm not as important or good enough for her anymore.
I started realizing this...probably..the beginning of this year, little signs here and there... like when she works constantly, and has down time or a day off.. she never wants to hangout with me.. I try doing stuff with her constantly.. I mean I get that she sees me mostly everyday.. but we don't do stuff together everyday! We might hangout once a week ..with other friends.. it's not just us anymore.. or she goes off with co-workers to bars and fun stuff like that.. and she sees most of them everyday too! I'm not jealous of her co-workers/friends.. I've met some of them and partied with them before at my house and I really like them and I wouldn't mind hanging out with them... but..maybe they mind.. or they don't like me.. and she's not telling me.. Hmmph.
Another sign that seems really weird to me.. when I'm gone for a week at another friends house, or she's gone for like a week or a weekend... she says she missed me and everything but she still doesn't want to hangout ..she'd rather go do something .. idk if that means anything ..but it kinda hurts a little bit actually.. because I missed her and want to do something with her. I've asked her before, sometimes jokingly and sometimes serious, "Why don't you wanna hangout anymore?" or "Why don't you like me anymore?" .. I'm a very honest and open person about most things, I'm a good listener and a good communicator most of the time.. and she knows that.. and her answers are " I do , and I am" and just dismisses it .. like it's nothing.. like I'm nothing.... yes I'm being a bit dramatic but that's how I feel most of the time.. like I'm not good enough..maybe it's me ..maybe I'm being insecure.. but I'm allowed to be.. I'm human and I have feelings and when I tell you my feelings are hurt and you still don't get the message... I don't know what else to do..
That's where the bad stomach ache kicks in... like a punch in the heart..like when you know your current fling or boyfriend/girlfriend is calling quits.. and there's nothing you can do and the world might be possibly ending. You're life is over. My friends and family...(and cats!!) are the most important thing in my life.. it's why I'm still alive...it's why I'm still stuck in this situation that I'm not exactly happy in..IDK.. maybe that's another excuse..( referring to the earlier post above) and could go on to a totally-entirely different post.
I guess in a shorter summary.. I feel like I'm having a one sided friendship..
Emotionally, mentally, and every other way besides physically she's there and that our friendship might end soon and it won't ever be the same.
Ending conclusion!! haha . I'm going to keep trying until I can give no more. Maybe having her read this will explain a lot. Just in-case I wasn't clear before..who knows maybe she feels the same!
Since so many thoughts churn in my head..it will be easier then me trying to get all this out and stumbling on my words like a klutz ..and it not coming out how I want it to. I am a better writer than a speaker..that is for damn sure, and I do feel a lot better getting this all out somewhere.. instead of keeping it trapped. I haven't wrote in a while ...maybe that's why it busted out of my seams and found this online journal to lay..anywho...I'll probably post something else..small.. something else.. on here too.. Hope you enjoyed reading ..whoever you are!
P.S. Sorry if there are any mistakes, like spelling errors and such, I tried my best!
P.S.S This post had a playlist..just a few..I hope you enjoy!