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Emotions/Feelings are for Retards.
And I just so happen to have them.
I did something I wasn't supposed to be doing. Last night, I did something that I sorta regretted. My stomach feels like crap. My feet is cold and tingly..The air conditioner is on right now..I'm in my living room, by myself, writing this crap. Listening to that one song that only my family member's will know what it's about. Portugese sounds sexy as hell....I wish I was Brazilian..


Her voice is beautiful, I swear, I musta gaved her cover like 100 views. I'm feeling so nervous right now..I'm trying to eat some chips but my stomach's not liking it..And there she goes, just started messaging me. I'm feeling really nervous, for no reason. Here's my little dirty secret? No string's attached, no beating around the bush, nothing. Being real with myself...



I had off yesterday and slept in until like 11 am and got on my laptop until like 3-4 pm doing nothing but crap. Making some LD people signs and having other people make me signs. Time flew by faster than I can say uncle. Next thing I know it's around 6-7 pmish. I was bored, and had nothing to do. I've seen her online a couple of times but didn't even want to talk to her. It still hurted.



But for some reason yesterday, I just said ******** it. Too bored..And I know she wanted to talk to me too or at least that's what I thought..The suspense was killing me. So I messaged her, not expecting a reply, but she replied...We talked a bit, you know..Light innocent talk...She invited me to webcam. I didn't know what to say or do at first, right when I was going to reply, my nephew woke up..If you haven't seen him he's in one of my pics, the lil fatty that I'm holding/kissing on the head.


It took like 10 mins for me to reply to her..I think she thought that I didn't want to do it so I didn't reply(Wrote a whole buncha otha stuff down). But I replied and she sent me the webcam facebook link crap...To be honest with you..My heart was pounding. I can feel it go thump, thump, thump. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know how that webcam crap worked, I didn't know anything. I was stepping a bit out of my comfort zone. SO, I clicked on that link and it sent me to Facebook? Like, who doesn't have a facebook....


Did I tell you my heart was beating loud as hell? Or I felt it beating loud as hell? Sha-zam, it sent me to a web chatting thing, my web cam wasn't on though, but her's was on. And I saw her, for the first time, in motion. I didn't know what she did or whatever but I think she prepped up a bit before she got on cam. xD Personally, she looked better in person than she do in pictures.


We was talking a bit, and I tried to get my cam going..But it wasn't working. I got my speaker/microphone to work and she could hear, but she couldn't see. It was just really confusing to me. I didn't know what was going on. I tried like 5x to try and have my webcam work. But it just wasn't working. And ya know..I'm hard headed so I told her to wait while I press on a whole buncha random buttons..I looked at the bottom of my toolbar and saw that my webcam was on? So I ex'd it out and clicked on the camera thing in the web chat again..And I saw myself Live in one of those webcam thingy's and I clicked on it....


Next thing ya know, voila. I think she was a bit surprised..I saw the expression on her face, she sorta lit up a bit. It was funny..I don't think I look THAT ugly on cam..The first 5-10 minutes was really fun. It was light-hearted joking. Waved "hi" to each other, made stupid faces, she turned mexican in a second, had a unibrow in a second, she's just dorky.


But she had to bring that conversation up..We talked about other things. Talked about us, talked about her, talked about me. I wanted her to understand why I did what I did. And she started crying on cam. I know I probably looked like an unemotional a*****e..But I couldn't show any emotion/weakness in front of her. Well, I did a bit. When I told her that I cried like a lil girl after like a week and a half of not talking to her, by myself, when it was late.


She kept wanting to go, but no way. We talked a bit more, she cried a bit, and when she cried she woke her niece up. She was so cute..I think she saw me. I waved hi at her through the webcam and she was just adorable. We talked more and more..but her niece kept crying and she had to go. In the sense of making her niece not cry and wanting to cry from what I told her.


What's funny is that I immediately saw that she was going to cry, I just sensed it and I told her not to cry, and she cried..I gaved her a webcam hug and vice versa..I left and she left..


I came back on Gaia and I just couldn't stop thinking..I didn't "ex" out our chat on Gaia so I clicked on that link again and went to the chatroom, she was gone of course..But then I got to wondering.



I'm such a stalker..And it really freaked me out. I decided to search her on facebook, and I actually thought that I wasn't going to find her, I honestly thought I was just doing it for fun. But I clicked on search and a couple of "Mai's" popped up, but she was like the second one..


I was actually like, "huh? That's interesting". I clicked on her profile.....This freaked me out. She knew, or knows, or some of my cousins know her. And I'm not just talking about far cousins. Like, these are first blood cousins. My mom's sister's kids. It really freaked the s**t out of me. I had like 1 or 2 mutual friends with her and they were my cousins.


I actually thought "Well, my cousins have like 300+ friends anyway, they'll never talk to her". And I couldn't help, but to be a little creeper...I went to her info, I went to her wall, I went to her photo's. That's so scary...My cousins actually talk to her a bit? Or, I don't know. Something..I saw a couple of comments that they posted on her stuff...I saw, read, and know things that I shouldn't have known.



It got to the point where, it got a bit too real. It was a scary thought...Not just one or two of my cousins, she knows people that I know. Well, at least 2-3-4 I don't know..It just got me scared? How the hell do they know her? How the hell do she know them? I swear..."This is a small world".



I'm thinking of making a step back..Don't get too close...It was a scary thought..I saw a lot of things/know a lot of things that I regret. How the hell can I tell her where I work at? That's so messed up..And she knows where it's located too..Even more messed up..


I felt..Really uncomfortable. So I went to sleep for work...I woke up, got on Gaia and Ashley got mad at me. She didn't like the signs that the other people made for me. She felt uncomfortable about that..And I also got a hate mail from this other person, who, apparently, wanted me for herself..Just a whole buncha "********" "b***h" just a whole lot of things.


And now I'm back from work, voila..I don't know what to do or feel, or anything..I don't know...


At least I know how to webcam for that crap now? I guess that's the only good thing..Or most of the good thing of yesterday..


We'll have to see what's going on for me to write it..


Ashley got in a car crash..She's all battered up...Aweeee.. ><

*Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

I hope she get's better..She's in so much pain. :[


Stay tuned for the next one..I'm just writing what I feel. I'm sorry if I was a bit too real..? Or straightforward..Next time.. Thanks for reading.

Za~





 
 
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