I feel like I'm holding onto her way too tightly. I just don't want this to end. She knows more about me than anyone... although I think he might still know more than her since she stops listening at the worst times and she knows it.
My best friend and I, we've been friends for three and a half years which means she's the only friend I've ever had to last that long. I always move or we always grow apart... well she's not my friend anymore. There's no way I can call her my friend. We go through the motions of being friends sure.
Every morning we talk whenever she arrives at the bus stop. I do my best to make her smile and this is all just like we always do... except I used to walk over to her house every morning and hang out. Now I go to the stop ridiculously early and she'll show up at the same time we'd always show up together.
Now instead of her smile being wide and genuine it's small and fake. I talk to her for a while... trying to make her laugh mainly and go on my typical rants which tend to go in ways that used to make her burst out laughing so hard she used to cry... well now it's still that fake smile.
I can't tell her anything anymore and I can't tell her that I miss her. We're still pretending and it'd be bad to break that. Everything is half assed now. I fill up most of the conversations which used to never be the case. It'd be half and half or 1/3 on her part since I always have longer jokes than hers.
I hate this... I hate it so damn much. It's impossible for me to leave though. she knows me so well. No one else can even compare, no one else but him and frankly he's gone. He'd probably laugh if he found out that he still knows me best. It's not my fault that he listened to every ******** word I said! Oh great... now I'm getting upset. I don't mean to be. I really don't.
Typically I let people go. I've been leaving people left and right anyway lately. Why should this be any different? Maybe because I always told her when I was leaving others, maybe because I see her every day, maybe because I'm living in these stupid apartments for another year.
I don't want her to leave... is that so wrong? I guess it is. I don't want to be selfish. If she doesn't want me around anymore that's fine I'll let her go without causing a fuss. I'll just say goodbye and wave, we can stop all this pretending and just be ourselves. We've both been there for each other during our worst times and I guess I'll be alone again which is fine... I can handle that. It'll be hard not being there to save her or not telling her what's going on in my life.
I can blog on this stupid journal since no one looks at the serious stuff. Oh man... my number one fear... the one I never admit to is Endings. I'm so scared of endings. I almost freak out every single time I finish a book, every time a friend or I move, and every single time i wake up after a dream. Endings are horrible and here I am about to be in yet another one. That's fine. My life is kind of full of endings. I should get used to it. Damn I sound so emo... oh jeez I'm so sorry to anyone who actually reads this crap. I'll stop now before I do anything else to depress people.
Colby Lock Community Member 
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