I will be posting chapters from the book I'm writing called, "Adventrue.' It's an auto-biography by me, Matt Colvard.
So..Here ya go!
Chapter 1: How I lost my virginity
I remember the first time I ever had sex.
Most people act like they can’t recall such a thing, because they’ve had so many partners over the years, (Hardeharhar) they just can’t seem to see that face, that awkward moment when the p***s is christened into manhood. It was different for me..
A girl-friend of mine was having her 17th birthday party, a big ol’ drinking bash that was to take place inside her guesthouse, the upstairs cleared out of everything but black lights and coolers. Vodka, bourbon, b***h beers of all sorts were shoved down into the icy confines of these boxes, festering in wait of underage fingers popping their lids, underage lips chugging down the concoctions. I had been smoking ganja all day with some friends of mine, bowl after bowl blowing my brains all over the floor. The weed was good, and the atmosphere was just right…
But no one knew I was a virgin. No one could have even suspected.
The night came, and the party began, dancing and whoring about occurring at most every hour of the shindig, girls and boys shoved by their libido’s to lock lips, grasp a** and breasts in sensual discovery. I, on the other hand, was bombed, so drunk my legs wobbled, my face plastered by a silly smile that would later become a grimace in the morning. I kissed a couple of girls, random drunks that just wanted someone to get close to..But I never stuck to it, more wandering drunk then anything. I recall being hit on by a very very gay man. He made as many advances as he possibly could, and I avoided him like the plague. The ******** wouldn’t give up with a fight though, following me everywhere until finally I told him I seriously wasn’t ******** interested at all. At one point in the night, I had crawled under a pool table to pass out, only to immediately be laid down next to by, you guessed it, my number one fan. This got me up and back in the game faster than even I could’ve imagined.
Then I saw her.
It was the birthday girl’s older sister. I later learned she was 32, but that’s not the point. The point is this bartending floozie was smoking hot, or my beer goggles needed some serious re-adjusting. Either way, I was on a pretty good winning streak, and I felt it balls deep that I could handle the situation dancing right in front of me. Seeing as how my many penises generally lead me wherever I roamed, I casually danced towards her, slipping past skinny high school girls and shirtless boys to claim my prize. She had brown curls, and she danced liked she knew more about what to do with her a** than anyone else in the room. The dancing grew intimate, but in the end, she walked away..
I let it slide, allowed the older woman to look down upon me, young Colvard, and think she was too good.
Listen, this gets better.
Parties generally roll like this: The bash breaks off fast, and those who are under 5’2 in height or got a 90 on the IQ test drop out first, drinking too fast and too hard. Stupid people, but hey, let ‘em wallow in their black out misery. Then come the skinny girls. If a woman ever tells a man that she can outdrink him shot for shot, take a mental note right now from me to you.
NO THEY ******** CAN’T.
Anyways, the point is there are the survivors. The fearless few who stay up and smoke cigarettes and drink beers until the sun glimmers the horizon, their pupils dilating and their stomachs growling. I was one of these few, and it just so happened that Big Sister was still around as well. We chatted, mingling outside the guesthouse garage with the three or so remaining partiers. It grew chilly around 3 in the morning, and we (Including some of the partiers) moved are location to Big Sister’s X-Terra. I remember sitting behind the driver seat, eyes glazed, lips stale from the last cigarette I had smoked. Then she had to ask, “Can someone give me a back rub?”
Your damn right I did. Are you crazy?
She whispered in my ear as we moved from the car to the house, gripping my arm with the strength of a woman.
Which is terrifying let me tell you.
“Let’s take this upstairs.” We quickly moved upstairs. I’ll keep the details minor from here, but basically she was too loud for the house, so we moved to the guesthouse.
I lost my virginity, no condom, in about two minutes and some odd seconds. That was alright though…She knew what she was doing. We banged at least 20 or so more times, far into the morning. I later found out kids were sleeping on the floor, no doubt terrified by the bareback wild a** sex that was going on all night two feet away from them. At around 7 in the morning, she went back into the main house and to her room. I later went up to get just a tad more sugar, which I did. (Boom shakalaka.)
Long story short now-
I walked out of her room, rounded the corner towards the stairs, and found myself confronted with a gigantic man in military fatigues, himself carrying a duffel bag and a holstered .357. He looked like he’d seen his fair shares of killings and deaths, and the build on him made me look like Peter Pan, Disney version. I gave a confused glance at the fellow, himself nodding and rounding the corner where I had just banged the brains out of Birthday Girl’s Big Sister. I heard her door open, then close.
I went downstairs, now mighty confused. Who the hell was this military guy? Why did he go into my one night stand’s room? Breakfast was being made by some after partiers who had been up for at least the past hour, and it didn’t take long to realize what the ******** was going on.
Turns out Big Sister was engaged, and her fiancé was an Army Captain. I was literally one or two minutes away from having my head blown off..
One hell of a way to lose my virginity I tell you what.
I hope the kid looks like me.
The trial and tribulations of a lazy genius.
My mind, opened and examined under a fine, serrated blade of queried knowledge and painful memories. Stare in doubt and amazement at my life. At my finest moments, or at my brittle failures...