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Um...a journal...big deal!
um...i have NO clue wat to do....hey that rhymed!(retardedness)*gasp*i'm bored!A evil monkey is living in my 6 yr old brother!....I think thats it...oh well.
smilies/icon_crying.gif smilies/emo.gif

. . . After seeing the movie that was exposed to my eyes today, hell has broken loose. The slick demons have sled though the strong grasp of God's mighty hands and have ran free. They got the hold to the strings that tie me up right. I can feel thier cracked, steaming hot, red hands pull on those strings, the strings of my heart. They tug and do all thier best to pull on it in fifty different directions.

He stood right at the double doors. My heart sunk. This was over. When he spoke his words, I didn't care. I just ran off knowing that there is no more of what used to be.
Seeing the bracelet being given back to me, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe what was true. What was hanging in front of my face. The proof that it was game over.

In third period, I was being comforted by my friends. Or at least they tried to. Only they didn't know that in first period, I almost spilled tears seven times. Yes I counted. And actual tears fell down my cheeks twice. Though, I doubt that anyone saw. But they were saying,"Don't worry about it, the one you have now is HOT." Or "Don't think about it, you can find someone better."

Someone better.
I doubt it.
I doubt that anyone could match the way he embraced me.
I doubt that anyone could match the gentle strokes that he called art.
I doubt that anyone cloud love me more for who I am, not what I am or what I do like he did.
I doubt that anyone could beat his soft touch that traced my face in the moonlight.

In forth period, ugh. I talked to her. She said that he said there was no meaning the braclet amymore. And something about a letter also. But I never got that. But what got me the most. "No meaning," So the word love has no meaning to him anymore?

Because of that. I go one step closer to a freezing core. Now I feel nothing in the arms of the one who now calls me his. I feel no emotion. Did I ever? Yes, but none of love. My stomach flipped at his touch, not in some warm fuzzy feeling, never. I felt like I have gone behind his back, even though we weren't one. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing, I just love him.

I hold his, no, our braclet on my wrist. I may never take it off until God knows when. Cowrie shells are held at it's ends and the words Te Amo in the colors of blue and aqua.

I guess I'm not Velez-Rodriguez anymore . . .
I'm back to being Rodriguez - Barbosa . . . the thrill.

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  • User Comments: [1]
    Community Member

    Fri Oct 15, 2010 @ 08:42am

    I can never seem to find the right words to say to her. I can never seem to understanding why, I do the things I do to myself and to her as well. The bracelet, it has a lot of meaning to what we both shared and cared for and still do at this very moment in time. The bracelet is what kept us together, forever. The color, that she chosen, was a color of beauty and light, that showed the true color of our love. Each day, every second, I'll curl up into a ball, and begin to shed a drop of tears down my face. It cuts like a sharp Knife blade, leaving scars on to my face.

    Just the other night, wondering what love had to do with us, killed me to its deepest, wondering why she said yes and why she couldn't say no. I go back to what I though last expected of me to be doing or be thinking at all. A cut here and there on a skin that was covered by her love. I think hard to what must be done. I rushed to where no one would find me at, into the woods, where again, no one would at least expect to be looking at, for me. I make every cut of mistakes and every faults that I have made to her and to myself. I cry as I do what I do to myself. I wish to take my life away, and wanting to too. So I go lower and lower to where I know that, there is a spot where no one would accomplish saving my blood of tears. I find what something that I was missing when I got to the bottom of my wrist. The bracelet. I looked at my wrist for a split second, and turned my head away quickly to the right side of my shoulder, with tears falling as I turned my head. I had my eyes shut tight, telling myself, "No, I can't do it" but with fear and painful suffering. I thought of her, "Merannie" I thought of her again, "Merannie Rod-" and paused as I almost forgotten to say her name, right. And so I checked myself and said her name once more again but at that time, right."Merannie Velez Rodriguez". After yelling her name out loud into my heart, she showed up and reappeared into my own two eyes. Even though, the bracelet was gone, I looked down at my wrist and still saw it there, and still felt the love that surrounded me and my heart. I knew from that moment on, I was missing something. I was missing a part of my heart, but someone. I was missing her, Merannie Velez Rodriguez. Other tells her that, she'll find better, someone more romantic and lovable. I had that same voice running through my head, and the bracelet, same here when it came to "No meaning".

    Before that day came about, the other day, I was over at my Godmother place, and told her these words, as I try to recall on what I said and what she have said to me, "The bracelet that Merannie gave me, it was suppose to mean something to the both of us. It meant something to me, I thought it did to her. But now, without it, it feels free but cold, and alone. I want it back now, I really do." My Godmother looked at me and told me this as she drove to b-town, "No you don't. You don't need it. If she loved you, she wouldn't have said yes to the guy no matter what the situation was." I looked at her, with a face that I'll never seem to get enough of, "I do and I know. But deep down inside her, I know she knows, she did wrong. But at the same time, still loves me and wants me back more than ever. I felt it that night that I was over there at her house when I wasn't suppose to be. That night when she told me she was with him, I told her that I didn't want anything to do with her, that to never respond to me, bother writing me or even looking towards my way ever again. After saying those words that I had to force out, she cried, deeply, and emotionally. She cried and cried in pain, a pain that still runs into my brain. It hurts and still do. She begged and begged for me to stay, I wanted to but my heart was crushed and wanted to walk away from everything, including the world. Donna, I saw her cry before, I have but, not like this and how she sounded. It broke my heart deeply and truly but, she made it happen by saying yes. But she said no, to stay. She called out my name several times, too many time but with tears and pain. I wanted to cry myself and almost did but held it in as much as I could. My voice cracked to where she knew I was about to. Donna, I don't know what to do. My heart still calls for her and still reaches out for her. I want her more than anything in the world." Donna looked at me and told me what she thought that was going through her mind, "Listen sweetie, if she loves you like she tells you she does, she would do what is right and leave the son of a b***h. Trust me, if she is right for you and God says she is, she would do it what's right and come back, but if not then, let her go. Cause again sweetie, if she cared and loved you, she would of left him by now and came back to you." But as she spoke her words to me, I kept thing about that bracelet. I placed my hands over my wrist to where the bracelet was last located at. I covered it and tried my very best to warm it up but, still didn't do much to it at all. Me and Donna stopped talking and did what needed to be done and went on driving everywhere, to calm my mind and my heart.

    Merannie, that bracelet did and still do at this very moment means a lot to me and to my heart. I asked for it back with the letter that Amber was suppose to give you. I do want it back but I can't have it back until you come back to me. You gave that bracelet to me when we were together. I'll take it back but when you return to me, once again. I Love you more than anything in the world. I don't want to lose you either as well Amor.

    Please,come back to me please, and let us fix what needs to be fixed. Jasper is right. Things won't get better if you're not together, if you're trying to fix things together, you'll have to be together in order to work it out. Yes, I told him why you did left me but yet still, all he told me that it doesn't matter. That we are both stupid and should work s**t out as one couple.
    (Told you so)
    Merannie, I know you don't have it in you and deep down inside of me, I believe you do. Find it please, and do what is right if you say that you are in love, with me. Find it.
    I Love you.smilies/icon_heart.gif

    User Comments: [1]
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