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We've been talking.. she told me if my curiosity is that strong, that I want to try something, then I can go ahead.. but she'll leave me, and she'll go back to doing it...

I got upset, because I gave her 3 chances already, and I still haven't left... and it wasn't even about the drugs, it's just the fact that I wouldn't even get a chance.. meh.. I understand why though.. eh..

we talked, and she thinks that the night when she had her horrible experience, and all.. that it may not have been an overdose, but the pill she took may have been cut with heroine.. .__. that scares the living s**t out of me.. to think she may have had heroine inside her.. blech..

I know why she doesn't want me to do it.. but.. blech.. .______. eh..

I just want to understand her better.. I want to try and understand why she kept going back, I want to be able to relate to her.. I want to be able to connect with her on another level... as it stands.. I feel a bit detatched from her.. from everyone..

It's been bothering me a lot lately.. I feel just.. completely detatched.. I have periods of time, where I'm completely emotionless.. I'm actually a emotional blackhole, I kind of don't want to be around anyone, and their emotions... "love" means nothing to me, and humans are just something to annoy me..

I haven't told her about it, because I don't see the point in torturing her.. She can't do anything about it, and she's happier not knowing, so I'm not going to make her miserable.. blech... I sadly had a moment like this when I was visiting.. It was the happiest I've been in a long, long time, but those stupid moments of, "ugh.." made me upset x.x..

-sighs- Well, I'm giving up on on even entertaining the thought of the drug thing anymore.. I don't want to lose Chloe, despite what my empty moments yell at me.. I don't know where those dark thoughts are coming from, they haven't always been there, so I'm not going to listen to them... If they get louder and more persistent, I'll have neena kill them completely. :3

blech.. .___.' I know it wouldn't be worth it.. but it just seemed so appealing.. I'd finally fit in, I'd understand what other people understand, I'd know what it felt like.. I know there are millions of people out there who haven't ever done anything, but one of the most important ones has, and so I want to understand her.. I want to be part of her world.. That's really, the main reasoning behind it.. .___.; If she never had, if she never had gone to raves, or anything, my nagging curiosity would be there, but I wouldn't ever consider it... why would I? It wouldnt' be part of my world, past or present, so I'd have no need to.. but here we are..

I'm just very depressed right now.. I feel like a masochist.. I want to talk to her, I want to hear more, I want to learn everything I can about what she did, even though it hurts me to know.. it scares me, and there's nothing I can do to console myself.. I can't tell her to stop; she already has.. I can't tell her to never do it again, she won't.. so there's nothing to console me.. but I feel that I need to know, deep down I want to hear everything, know every little detail, and dwell on the experience.. I'm hoping if I know everything she did, know every little detail, then I won't think about it anymore, and I'll be able to move on.. that's how it is, when my trust is shattered..

I'm worried about the void feeling though.. I think I was still recovering from the other shock, that she had been doing X for so long.. it had been 3 months, and I was starting to completely get over it.. and then LSD.. .___.' which consequently shattered me.

My sanity, my.. everything, broke. I may as well have been on LSD myself, since nothing in my world made sense anymore.. there was no reality, there was no.. nothing. I couldn't think, I went truly insane.. that wasn't fun, at all.. my mind just wasn't there. I couldn't.. do anything. I laid on the ground crying, I don't know long.. I remember talking, but I don't remember the words, I remember her hanging up, telling me she'd call me back when she was less high, or something.. and.. I didn't care. I almost killed myself, and I didn't even care.. I just didn't want to exsist anymore. Nothing in the world mattered to me, anyways.. so why did it matter if I died? I had nothing.. I had no one.. I just wanted to go on to the next life..

I couldn't grasp the concept of.. anything, after that. I couldn't hate her, I couldn't get angry.. I didn't know how. The concept of emotions were foreign to me... I felt like I was mentally retarded, I didn't know how to function. .__.; -sighs- blech..

But the empty void feelings were from before then.. they just got a lot stronger after..

I have those feelings, where I hear her words, and I honestly think, "I don't want you around, you're so boring.." but I refuse to say them.. I know, deep down, that I can't live without her. I don't know why those STUPID thoughts keep coming, but they're wrong.. I've had them before, and when I did think I was going to lose her? When I thought she was going to leave me.. I couldn't take it. I freaked.. so I know those feelings are wrong. If I didn't care about her, if I thought she was boring, I wouldn't get upset when I heard the drug stories.. I wouldn't care.. I'd do what I wanted, regardless of what she said.

I have several friends who have connections.. I know every dealer in town, and I know every dealer's dealer.. so if I honestly wanted, I could get my hands on anything, either free, or pretty cheap, even. I've had them offer me this and that.. but I always told them no, because I have stuff screwed up in my head, and I don't want to make it any worse.. so I don't know why I have my curiosity, if I keep turning dealers down as soon as they show up.. I really do, too. Last night, even. Friend offered me a joint, and I was going through a "CURIOSITY" moment, before then. I told him, "nah", instantly, didn't even think about it, just said, no. so I know that I don't want to do them.. blech.. .__.'

I guess I just want this dark void feeling to go away.. I want to forgive her, I want to fix myself, I don't want there to be anything between us, so I'm looking for answers where there aren't any... = =;; -sighs-

blech.. blech blech blech..