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Uhhm, well I saw your post in the Aquarium thingy and just decided to post the comment here since my computer screwed up.
I really love this.
It brings something to the world that's been missing for a long time and I think it's honesty and love and just completely pure.
You put meaning and feeling into this, and so much of it, I believe it still can't express your love for the women this is for.
Keep up the good work man,
I look forward to it.

Fairly good structure reminiscent of a small handful of Shakespeare's sonnets.
overall it is decent You could have become more descriptive as well.

bring up hair lips collum of her neck, her flesh.

remember sonnets don't have to beautiful they can exhibit your loss of her presence as much as her desire for example

No more be griev'd at that which thou hast done: Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud; Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun, and loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud.

in this someone is consoling because of a wrong they felt they commited and dont deserve forgiveness

Oh wow that's really heartfelt. I don't know if you wrote this for anyone in particular (I assume you did, I doubt you could make up those feelings) but if you did, I hope she knows how lucky she is to have met you ^^
I hope she gives you a last chance at love heart