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Missa Defunctorum
praise the lost souls, it'll set yours free
Completion.
Mood: Tired.
Song: How we Breathe - Pinback.

It's the perfect time to find myself.
My whole self.
Someone who isn't in need of anyone but me.

It's the perfect time to feel alive again.
Not to worry about always having something to do so I won't drown in a sea of thoughts.

Cause all those thoughts blend together,
Swirl and all I see are blue circles above my head.
I swear I've lost myself more times than found,
Like everytime I've come near,
I run away again.

Perhaps, Jasmine is right, I need to stop running.
I need to face my fears,
Face my emotions,
Face what's inside.
But I can't... can't you see?
I'm not that kid that wants to tell the world everything,

When you ask me what's wrong,
I automatically reply, "I don't know."
and when you say that's not good enough?
That's what's wrong.
I'm not good enough if that's not good enough.
"We've had this talk every single time. I don't know doesn't cut it anymore because you do know."

But even if I know,
Who said you had the right to?
We may be past that awkward stage;
You may not want this to be an empty friendship,
But you just can't seem to grasp that I don't want to let you or anyone else in.
Because my trust isn't handed to you on a silver ******** platter.
Nobody is worth that much.

Especially someone who's hurt me.

But I agree.
"I don't know" isn't good enough.
I should trust myself,
and I've begun to.

Setting rules and boundaries.
Fighting so hard not to break them.
I'm not "that" girl anymore.

And even though I always want something sweet and tender like love,
I'll always fear its bitter bite into my heart when it's obtained.
Not to say I was in love with you,
Because I certainly couldn't have been in love with you.
For you're a silly girl who's fickle.
Fickle, as Mama would say.

Ever so fickle you are.

You understand her so well,
You say it again and again.
Each time you kill me a little inside.
Because you automatically understand her.
But Jasmine, you don't get it.
You willl NEVER understand me.
No matter how hard you try.

Brianna gets me.
Paige gets me.
Lisa gets me.
You don't.
You won't.
You can't.

But I want to get me.
I don't want to feel this feeling anymore.
This feeling of not doing my homework,
Of not completing this course.
Of not grasping the concept.
Of not excelling.

I want to find myself.
Truly, find myself.
Understand myself.
Be true to myself.
All I want is to be whole,
And I don't want someone else to make me feel this whole.

There are two kinds of whole, you know.
The kind of whole you have within yourself,
and the kind of whole you have with other people.

You could have made me feel whole, you know.
You just got scared and ran the other way.
So don't b***h at me when you don't get what you want,
Because you never let me get what I wanted either.





 
 
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