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Listening to: Forbidden Lover -- L'arc `en `ciel

Was on the phone with Chloe. She might just move to cali this year after all.. don't blame her.

She wants a fresh start.. and who am I to take that from her? I'm trying to move there to get a fresh start, leave my old life behind.. and that's what she wants too -- so why would I hold her back from that?

If I could, I'd love to move to cali with her.. we could split the bills, so it'd be cheaper.. but the thing is, I don't know if she'd want to live with me. I know it's nothing personal.. I know that NONE of this has anything to do with me.. but yeah..

I'm sitting here wondering if I should accept this as a loss, -- relationship wise, that is.. and move on -- relationship wise. Continue to support her -- as a friend... but only as a friend, and finally let my feelings for her die. Let her live her life in Cali, have her fresh start, and stay a long-distance friend..

Maybe that's the way it was always meant to be.

I know she's talking, just for the sake of talking right now.. just venting, but this is something I've been secretly thinking about for a long time, and I decided I may as well slap it out there, so I can stop thinking about it..

I'll probably just end up staying here, if she moves to cali.. because if she doesn't want me as a roomate.. then I doubt I could afford to move anywhere near her, alone. (I don't want to find a roomate.. I don't like living with people I don't know. That's why I was only going to live with her in missouri, or live alone. I'd rather be alone than with some jerk I've never met before.)

She's my best friend, and maybe, just maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe I was never meant to have a "one".. maybe I was meant to be alone. I'd have a string of lovers, so that I wouldn't ever be completely lonely, and miserable.. but eventually, I'd be old and alone... and that's how I'd remain..

I'll never let Neena think this though.. I'm successful in keeping these thoughts from her.. she's changed so much since the old days.. she's become so much less dark, so much less angry at the world.. just like me.

This is all just me venting here, though.. I'm just barking in the dark.. talking for the sake of reading what I'm thinking.. hearing my own thoughts out loud..

I'm too damn old.. my spirit is too damn old.. I've been trying to settle and find love since I was 8.. and since I probably won't ever find my true lover, I'll just have to pretend, and keep looking..

For Neena's sake, I won't give up.. I just hope she doesn't end up the way she used to be.. I hope I never end up the way I used to be...