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Woo.
Emotionally Sick [Part 2]
Alright, I'm assuming you read the first part of this venting session. If not, well I basically told everyone who was reading it about some things in my past, my current situation and my Nana.

Well in this part, I'll tell you some more about the s**t that life has thrown at me. I was abused, physically abused by people as well as Verbally abused. Everyday I went through this. There was no stopping it. I had to change schools because of it. Many people were told that I changed schools because I wanted to go to a better school. That is wrong. I switched to get away from people. But...like everything in my life at that point, there was no helping it. I was messed with at the new school too.

Let's fast forward to about a year ago. I met someone wonderful. I thought life was going well....I was pretending to be a boy. Why? Because no one like ME. I put on an act. Yet, I was still me. It hurt to lie to everyone. All those that became close to me. But I jut wanted to be liked...even loved. I confessed to everyone my true gender. i told them that I wasn't really a boy. I was happy....for a time with the one I chose. But I came to find that he wasn't honest with me. He had a girlfriend that he was Living with. He ignored me for a while then finally I found out about her and him. Many of you were there, you saw what it did to me. Those in Real life saw how I acted when I was blissfully unaware of what was going on behind my back. I sang sappy love songs, smiled like a goofball and skipped around. I was happy. But after a while of being ignored, and suspecting something was wrong. I became quiet. Finally he broke it off with me, telling me of his lie.
I was more than sad...more than crushed. As many of you saw. I was a wreck. The things you didn't see was how I was at home. i was miserable. I didn't eat, I cried myself to sleep every night and I had to force more and more smiles. It was obvious that there was something wrong. My family saw it and worried, but didn't say anything about it. My gaia friends tried to cheer me up. They tried to make me smile. I let them think it worked.
After a time We saw him in towns, my friends and I were in towns, them trying to cheer me up again, and he was on another account. But we knew it was him. He had all the same Items from his old account. He hit on a friend of mine. That really stung. he pretended he didn't know us. I had to tell my friends over MSN not to attack him. Even though they really wanted to. Especially those who were my friends before I'd met him.
Anyways...After a few weeks? months? I can't remember it was all a blur. Anyways, after a time he and I talked again. He was remorseful...I was lonely. All the time after the break up I had stopped singing, skipping and smiling like a goofball. I was a shell of the person people had become used to. As I said, we talked, he was remorseful that he had ripped out my heart, trampled it and then burned the remains. And I was lonely. And even though my friends all tried to talk me out of it. We got back together. And I was...happy. I was happy again. And I thought my life was falling back into a livable pattern. Go to school, day dream, come home, get on the computer, talk to my love. And repeat the next day. But recently, things have been falling down hill. I explained what my current situation with my family is, and how the electricity may be cut off, how I'll lose my house, etcetc. Well. Recently...My love has been talking to me less and less. I rarely see him online. and when I do I message him. But get only about two to three responses the entire time he's on.
I see him on MSN even less. I can't call him, he doesn't call me. I can't see him because he lives so far away. And I've begun to doubt again. I'm doubting if he wants to be with me anymore. I wouldn't blame him if he left me again...I'd merely be...crushed all over again. I'd feel like a fool, who as played like a harp. I have done things I'd never done, simply because he convinced me to do it. I am not proud of any of it. I feel so used and cheap.
He is probably reading this now. If so, Don't worry, Love. I don't blame you for any of this. It was all my fault. My fault for loving you so much. My fault for not seeing how completely stupid I was for believing I was allowed to have happiness.

That's all I can write now. I'm.....crying again. Damn why am I crying so much? I rarely cried before....I guess life is catching up to me.





 
 
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