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Woo.
Emotionally Sick [part 1]
I'm sick of everything right now. I don't know why, but I'm so depressed lately. I know that not many people will read this, so whatever. I don't care if you do or don't I'm just doing this to get this off my chest.
I'm sick, emotionally sick. I can't take much more of this crap. My family is falling apart. What little remains of my family may be kicked out of the house we live in. People I know keep dumping their lives on me, I try to smile and laugh. Tell them it's alright. take away some of their pain with a happy disposition, but I'm breaking.

I can feel it, I'm breaking. So much s**t is going on both in my Real life and Online life. I don't know how I've survived this long. I think it was because before I actually had a good, steady, something to pull from. I was safe before.

Everything is going all wrong. People are leaving me, and betraying me, My family is turning on itself.
Fighting all the time, we may lose the house, alot of my close friends are going through alot of s**t and they come to me and dump that on me.
I try to be happy for them so they can try to feel better, but I can't take much more of this

Many people I know have tried to go on, I've seen them struggle with all kinds of things.
But with how my life is going now, I just.....I don't see any point to it all.
I know other people have it rougher than me now, but they don't have the history I do.
There are things in my past that make me wonder how I've survived this long.
Things that make me start to question if I should just give it all up now.

I'm seriously crying as I type this. Just because it's all true. I don't know how much longer I can deal with all this crap.
I wish I was my character Von. So I could forget all this stuff.
Forget everything and just live a carefree, oblivious, life.

But I know that will never happen, I'll always remember all the crap that Fate has thrown on me, I'll always feel this way. It will never change. The happy person most people know and love is dieing. She is being replaced by a new person. one that isn't happy. one that doesn't care about anyone or anything.

I know alot of my friends, who bother to read this, will be upset about this. but I can't help that. they feel how they feel. And I....am empty. I know alot of my friends may read this and actually KNOW what I'm talking about when I mention my past, because they have BEEN there. They've SEEN it.
However, there are somethings that not even my closest friends have seen. Atleast, none that know me now. There was a time, and I've probably mentioned this to a few of you, when I lived in Virginia. I was the victim of Bullying, not just any bullying, Racial Bullying. By an entire neighborhood. I had no friends then. No one would talk to me. No one came and comforted me while I cried behind the school building. I was alone. totally and utterly alone. No one cared, no one tried to stop them. Sure my family stepped in. but that didn't help. The kids continued on with it.
All throughout my life, I've been the victim of bullying. All types of it. From being called names, to being outright shunned and blocked out. Since I was about seven even now at nineteen. I've been living through this crap. I've had injuries from these incidents, both physically, though I've learned to hide them well, and mentally. Sure the physical injuries go away, but If you could see into my mind, you'd know I'm still hurt.
I don't think I'll ever be able to get over what I've lived through. Since it keeps happening. Over and Over and Over again. I have to live through this. I've tried ignoring them, I've tried telling on them, I've tried nearly everything, hurting them, hurting those they care for. But nothing works. They keep coming after me. I'll never be free.
I have to quit thinking about my past now. We'll move on to the next thing that has been plaguing the halls of my mind. My Family.
Not always the happiest topic. My family has alot of member that hate eachother so extremely that they can't be in the same room for five seconds without resorting to a fist fight. namely, my brother and sister. They weren't so bad when I was younger, sure they played pranks on eachother, but that was all in fun. Now, however, they truly HATE eachother. How did this happen so fast? I'm not sure. I just know that my brother and sister are always at odds. My brother has even resorted to physical abuse with my sister when his temper gets to bad.
You'd think someone would step in, right? Wrong. No one steps in. No one comes to stop him. Just the sound of crying, the sound of screaming. Then nothing. No, my sister isn't dead, no she's no in the hospital. My sister moved out. My brother is still here though. My mom is gone too. She and my dad were "Separated" but I had no idea what that meant, until my sixteenth birthday. When they divorced. Did they tell me then? No. They waited. they let me stay in my little dream world. Thinking that soon my mom would be coming back and that we would be a family again. No. I found out nearly a month later what had happened on my birthday a month before. It was finalized. There was no happy ending. There was no more image of a family. If you knew me before the separation, when we all used to live in the same house, You knew how much my family image meant to me. I felt so happy, so loved that my family was still together. i was safe in my little bubble of family. But that bubble was popped and I was left standing in a puddle of my old life.




Sad? No? You've heard worse? Well guess what. This is my life and I have to live in this hell hole. It may not seem like much to you, but this has ruined me. I'm a shell now. I had once thought I found happiness. At least for a while. I had a best friend. A real, true best friend. Andrea. She understood me, She laughed with me, she cried with me. We had almost everything in common. We were closer than sisters, which we always got mistaken for, and we told eachother everything. I will never forget the day, that too ended. I was told, by my parent that we were moving. To Tampa, Florida. A long, eight hour drive from my Home in Milton. I don't think I had ever cried so hard in my life. On the very last day I had there, I spent it with Andrea. We had a sleepover at her house. We rarely left eachother alone. And that night, we were laying out on her trampoline, just talking and watching the stars. We saw so many shooting stars that night, i still can't believe it. And we even ended up falling asleep outside. Her dad woke us up around one in the morning and we were soaked with dew and cold. We spent the rest of that night tucked under warm blankets in her room.

You may be wondering why we moved. We moved because my Nana got Cancer and my dad had to take care of her. He had been in the Navy for a long while and so he was rarely at home before. he didn't want to split up the family again. he wanted us all in one place. So we all had to move to Tampa. At first I resented it. I didn't like my Nana. but I still loved her. Who wouldn't love their grandmother? Especially when she would sing you to sleep when you woke up from a nightmare. I don't remember all the words to the songs she sang. But I know enough. I know the title of one of her lullabies was "They call your daddy Big Boots". I remember her sitting on the side of my bed and singing that to me when I was little and we would visit her.I remember what she smelled like, I remember how she looked when she smiled. I remember nearly everything about my Nana.
My Nana is....dead now. She had gotten over the cancer that she had when we moved here. But years later it returned and when we had her in the hospital. She caught something, because the staff wasn't doing their jobs! So she was sicker than ever, along with the cancer. She refused the Chemo. She refused nearly all medicines. My Nana was a strong person. She never gave up she never quit anything in her life. Seeing her like that. So frail and helpless, barely able to open her eyes it killed me. I was so awful to her sometimes when we had first gotten here almost 7 years ago now. And yet she never stopped loving me.

I'm sorry, I can't go on writing now. I know I've not even written down half of what I've been through, But I'll add a continuation at a later time. I can't stop crying long enough to type the rest of this.





 
 
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