Lately, for about the past couple weeks, I have been having constant dreams about having relationships and being happy..They always end badly, I always lose the girl in the end. It leaves me with a sickening feeling when I awake form these cursed nightmares. To make it even more ******** is about around the time these started was when I had decided to myself to just quit trying to get a girl..I'm tired of it, really. I don't wanna deal with a woman's bull-s**t ******** emotional chaos and needy annoyances when I have enough of my own s**t to worry about without having to worry about someone else. Women make me weak, I realized this a long time ago, but I still pursue them because I used to crave affection. Over the years, my gradual deadening of my emotional nerves also yielded a weakening of those cravings. I used to believe I needed a woman in my life, I needed a relationship to be happy..Well, I'm not happy, I don't believe I am capable of being happy anymore, but I'm not as burdened. All of my previous relationships were unhealthy, but I was weak and was ready to please my woman in any way I could, like a stupid dog, blindly obedient and willing to ******** THAT s**t. I see other men being their woman's lapdog and it sickens me to think of myself like that...I dunno what I'm trying to get at, but I do know that it has been pissing me the ******** off to have damn-near every ******** time I sleep to plague me with at least one nightmare about me being in a relationship and being happy with it then losing it. I'm fortunate I possess the fortitude to endure this hellish ********, but I just felt like venting this annoyance. I'm really growing to hate relationships and just totally abandon any hope of me being in one or even wanting to be in one. I realize I've become very selfish as well, which makes me bad boyfriend material, so ********. Like I give a s**t. I've been the good guy far too long..I've been stepped on and overlooked far too long...Until someone changes my mind, which I doubt will happen, love makes me ******** sick..I detest that multi-headed monster called love. Its deadly, fragile nature is a waste of time and not worth investing faith in.
The world is harsh, punishment, not reward, is given to the heroes and protectors of today. The good guys are dying out for a reason, because people take advantage of them. I'm enjoying it as I watch the old heroic martyr in me die slowly...So beautiful. It was fun, I used to enjoy protecting people and helping..But apparently there is no place for such virtues in this world anymore.
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