I feel like giving up. there's nothing here for me. sure I've made a few friends but I never feel like talking to them. School... feels so pointless, the only thing that gets me through is flirting, and that is very quickly becoming tiresome. Once I'm home the same thoughts rush through my head. the same old thoughts, that once made my life worth it now bring tears to my eyes. I can't concentrate in school, no matter how much adderal I take. and the more meds I take the more I feel like suicide. At home I just listen to music and play random pointless flash games that I get pissed at because nobody knows how to program. At school I start off the day by talking to this cute girl, who you'd think by how she talks to you that she likes you, but for me, when I see her again in Anatomy, she completely ignores me.
Then there's the other girl who've I've always liked and she's liked me. Now she has a bf and I can only talk to her for like 3min a day while her wonderful bf gets all of 3rd 5th and 7th periods with her.
Med Terms quite simply is the most depressing class in the world. I have a D in there just because I didn't write down the dumb vocab onto notecards. nvm that I got a 113% on the test that I didn't study for.
I don't have a job, don't really want a job, and if I had one I'd probably be fired for never showing up or not doing any work.
As much as I would rather not I constantly think about her. those are the thoughts that kill me everyday.
such a wretched thing it is, love. you think you have it for everybody and turns out nobody has it for you so you end up hating yourself and everybody else. when you do that people say things like "wth is your problem" or "he should be in a mental hospital" my current favorite is that I"m being called a jackass. really ******** wonderful that. Not only am I going through an emotional crisis but I'm ******** up everything around me as well. Grand. Just grand. I hate my playlist. Every song is either dedicated to her, or gives me memories of her. really every damn song I hear makes me think of her. four times now I've grabbed a knife and put it against my wrist. every time i am just about to end it i start crying and I hear her voice in my head telling me no to go. damnit i've already left so why can't she leave my damn head?
I just want it to be over. or start over. back to the beginning. start my life out like it should of been. be the smart one I'm supposed to be. go back to when being around people didn't scare me so much so I could have actually developed some social skills. Gone ahead and ******** that girl freshman year so I wouldn't be the only virgin senior.
Actually had gone to a few parties and got a little wild. have had a life. instead of sticking my life to her and depending on her. more later.
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