I was wrong. I was stupid. In my failings I made an assumption.
People can change.
In my failings I believed this, not only did I believe that they can change but that they can also accept and behave. Perhaps even understand.
I was wrong.
I've said it so many times and now more then ever I don't care. I just don't. Why bother trying to appease people anymore if they don't even care to appease you. My friends. The problem is my friends. They hate one another and have no problem admitting it. But when they don't get along, when they fight it becomes MY problem, MY burden, and MY stress.
I am so next to crying right now because of those who claim to care and support me.
Friendship is bullshit. Absolute bullshit. That security, that trust is undermined at the first moments opportunity when one of THEM becomes uncomfortable. When I become uncomfortable I push it asside and try to make sure my friends do not feel the same as I do.
For shame on my part. For shame.
I was wrong.
My friends live by a philosophy, one they wolll forever deny they live by, one they couldn't even dream that they live by-but they do. "Live for thyself and none else. Consider none when you commit actions and your feelings, your concerns are what matters over all else."
I was stupid. Soooo stupid. No epiphany, no sweet words of generic wisdom as per usual. I've got nothing left. NOTHING.
I'm tired, sooooo tired right now. I just spent four hours listening to my friends inadvertantly treat me like s**t by fighting with one another and proceeding to blame me becuase they don't get along.
I'm sick and tired. So it's about me now. If it's myfault-FINE. My fault. But that means I stop caring what you think, stop caring how they feel, stop giving a damn what they do.
It's about me now. My life.
I won't deny it, I'll be proud to say it. I'm just so emotionally, mentally tired.
In my moment of frailty I trusted and assumed and tried to make others happy. If you know me, from now on I won't try for that anymore. I just won't.
Happy Hunting, oh and Merry Christmas.
Vanair · Wed Dec 28, 2005 @ 05:31am · 0 Comments |