Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Dangerous Pleasure is a fantastic scanlation group. The Seme Handbook is their's and is NO WAY MINE. I just posted it here in my journal because I love yaoi and this cracks me up. While reading a few of their projects I came across this:

The Seme’s Handbook.

I made it my mission to find them and to share them with my wonderful yaoi loving friends, who will appreciate these as much as I do. So… presenting Dangerous Pleasure’s “The Seme’s Handbook.”

1. “Ropes materialize out of thin air. Don’t worry about stashing ropes or ties around the house-- if you’ve got your uke under you, you can just pull a rope from sub-space to tie him up.”

2. “A seme must have different colored hair to his uke.”

3. “Want to know the meaning behind your uke’s words? Use our handy uke-tionary. ‘No, I don’t want this.’= ******** me. ‘Stop it!’= ******** me. ‘I need to sleep.’= ******** me. ‘What’s for dinner?’= ******** me.”

4. “After sex, you always wear the pajama pants. Your uke will wear the shirt, lest he wishes to tempt you again with his perky pink nipples.”

5. “It’s perfectly normal to be able to pin a grown man to the wall using only one hand to grip his wrists.”

6. “Selective hearing is a necessary trait in a seme. When your uke says, ‘no,’ what you hear is, ‘Please ignore my tears, resisting, and all that jazz because, really, I want you to continue.’”

7. “You don’t have to think too hard for the perfect birthday present for your uke-- just do him eight times in a row. On the other hand, the only acceptable present for you is your uke wearing an apron and nothing else.”

8. “SAS- Semes Always Swallow. Spitting out semen is for wusses.”

9. “Everybody is out to rape your uke. You’ve got to protect his chastity by guarding him day and night!”

10. “Never let your uke do any work! It’s the uke’s job to lie on the bed, it’s YOUR job to make him feel good all night. (If your uke hasn’t come at least five times, your doing it wrong.)”

11. “Semes hardly sweat during sex. Ukes, on the other hand, produce copious amounts of fluids of varying origins.”

12. “Ukes ooze pheromones. Chances are you can’t sense them; equip all possible aggressors among your underlings with gas masks just in case.”

13. “You can’t afford to smex your uke with your glasses on because if that happens, you can’t be sure if the uke loves you or the glasses.”

14. “Smexing your uke with his glasses on is the ultimate goal. If the uke takes off his glasses before/while you smex him, you have failed.”

15. “If you are foreign, you consider Japanese men cute and cuddly and will go to extreme lengths to turn them into your uke. This is exceptionally true for American CEOS, exchange students, Middle Eastern princes, French patissiers, Chinese mafia hunks, Italian captains, and English noble men with funny names.”

16. “It doesn’t matter if you uke is as dumb as a doorknob and irritating as hell, you still love him because… you’re a seme and that’s what seme’s do.”

17. “No matter how much your uke struggles, you can always tie your uke in a compromising position in five seconds flat. If this was a contest, you’d win first place hands down (or tied.)”

18. “You can forgive your uke for anything. It will either lead to sex (of the make-up variety) or more sex (as punishment). Either way, you win.”

19. “The cure for rape= more rape. If another seme has kissed, touched, or looked at your uke, get rid of his mark by replacing it with your own.”

20. “Regardless of what kind of seme you are, you love to talk dirty during sex.”

21. “The car you own is a BMW, Mercedes, Porsche, or any other extra expensive make. Also, a seme’s car will defy the laws of physics by being larger inside than on the outside to allow for comfortable uke-smexing.”

22. “Semes will hardly ever have sex completely naked. That’s an uke thing.”

23. “The number of dildos that any average seme owns (for his uke) would put any sex shop to shame.”

24. “If you can’t make your uke come just by licking his a**, you suck in bed.”

25. “Rape= love. The more you love your uke, the more right you have to rape him.”

26. “Seme’s don’t eat cake. Ever.”