It's 3am on...jeez...now you know it's summer when I don't even know the day of the week...even though i suppose that could be any time of the year. I can't possibly sleep and I don't know why. I suppose it could be the constant worrying and list making in my head of what I have to get done.
On Monday, I'll only have 7 (almost lost track) weeks until i might not be online much anymore. My priorities will be changing wether i want them to or not...it still does'nt feel quite real yet.
-yawns- ...dam...i can't stand thinking about how much i still have to do...not so much me but i have to rely on other people to get it done...
ex. dad getting furniture for me and my bro before we all move there... bro to stop asking mom for stuff so we can save up more to move without stress... mom to stop shopping and doing stuff we cant do right now so we do have money...
me trying to think how i want to get a job, figure out how to graduate early, and figure out my military career..wether i want to be in the marines or airforce. i know i want to fly a plane though... F-16 or a B-2
what kind of girl am i??
i played with the guys my whole life. soccer, football, dodgeball, i went to their houses all the time just to hang out, now im still trying to still prove a girl can do anything a man "thinks" he can do better. Im still trying to figure out who i am...I don't even know what i believe in (religion wise)
If I were to talk to someone older, tell them my opinion on everything in the world, and then tell them im not even 16 yet, i dont think they'd believe me.
grade 7-8 were total hell for me...6th grade i was making straight A's and then in 7th grade my secret about my mom's ex doing what he did came out, and i fell hard...for some odd reason...maybe b/c instead of nightmares about me telling, they turned into him coming after me. I still have dreams like that now; that's he's back in the home, like nothing happened but he had been to jail and i have that feeling in my mind that he's going to kill me...im the kind of person to believe dreams mean something and im scared to know what these with hold for me in the future.
7th grade i had fades a bit from my family...or began to...and by 8th grade i didn't want anything to do with them. at this point in time...that is my BIGGEST regret. I treated my mom like s**t. I don't know how i could have allowed myself to be that way. Ever since i got that b*****d locked up, mine and my dad's realationship has been akward...and i don't know why...  i used to be a daddy's girl and now it's not the same at all...perhaps b/c of his other daughter now...the one he had while still married to mom the first time...she can say she forgives him but i dont think i can. i was only 12 or 13 when it happened and i knew it was wrong...she'll be 3 this year...
anyways...me and mom: she's the closest thing i have to anything right now. it's like she's on my side for everything...I CANT BELIEVE i treated her the way i did. sneaking out at night, not coming home until the next morning, not spending time with her on her days off...brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
then realationships...i could babble on forever about it...let's just say trying to have a long term realationship with someone that's not into them kinda things sux...n then one your parents dont like...there way to much to talk about
envy...every person that's gotten in deep with me knows that word pretty well. im one of the most envyest people you will ever meet (along with no grammar of spelling but give me a break) I can't stand those snobs and people that act like the world is perfect and the people that dont know the value of the dollar and the people that can make a buck off of sports and the people that really dont have s**t cant have s**t. the economy sux. im a smart kid n just cuz of the economy, ima still struggle through life if i can't succeed with my military plans...or it kills me first. which eva i guess i learn to deal with.
it's 334am now and my leg is still asleep and im still venting to a friend on an IM; luckily she dont mind my bitching when i need to...
kinda lonely...feeling like im never going to make it...i mean face it...by the time ill be graduating...my baby is going to be getting ready to start pre-k
i dont know what im going to do to kill time this summer but i know i better have fun since it's probably the last time ill have quiet time like this ever again.
im feeling a lil greenish... (sick) and i just dont know how much i want to put up with before i take it out on someone i maybe shouldnt...who knows...maybe i should
well...night night...if you really read all my venting and want to give an idea, opinion or whateva you'd like...feel free. im just the kinda gal to talk listen and advice...but im not much of one to be advised so yea...dont do that. i dont like that; being told what to do kinda thing...
<3 S.B.
LMT: my friend made me realize that i've seen so much of the real world and that i know it better than half the people that i know and it does scare me b/c of how nieve people can be...it sux so badly
 squeekybubbelz13-23_302 · Fri Jun 19, 2009 @ 08:39am · 0 Comments |
