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I'm REALLY debating whether I should post this or not. I've already pushed my luck far enough, and I don't know what you're thinking. so, yea. I'm going to push it more. Because, hey, what more can I lose? I've lost almost everything and everyone that means something to me.

~

So now thinking, we can never be as close as we were. Through all these friendships I've realized that no friendship is always perfect. You help a person through a hard time, and the other person also helps, then it continues on. That isn't always how it goes though, along those times, you have a lot of fun. Sleep overs, competitions, going places together...you just have fun.
But, that isn't how I roll.
I discovered that I can't become attached to a person, and if I do, I'll ruin them.
you see, I have a lot of demands.
I need to those demands, and if I don't, I get snappy.
If someone helps me a bit, I consider them a good friend.
And...if they don't help me anymore, I get hurt. Then I hurt them and so on.
But now, I realized that isn't the way it should work.
A friendship is two parts: One part coming from each person.
What I was doing, I was expecting both parts to come from each person, making it an unfair friendship.
And, frankly, that doesn't work. and can never work.
I honestly don't know where I am going with this, but I have a destination in mind.
Remember back in... June of 2008? I do. It was when I sent that one email, talking about criticism. It was about how I hate your criticism, and I was tired of it all.
I was blaming it all on YOU.
and none on ME.
It was both our faults, but if it was the way you grew up...just speaking your mind, then I can see that.
But, I never told you to stop. and if I did, it was never full out. I never told you how I felt about it or anything.
So now, with my mind clear, I can see who's fault it is.
both of ours.

noooow, remember w*y back to seventh grade. May of 2008 it is. I was writing to you, saying how people are tearing me up. If you didn't know, seventh grade was when my depression started. I was sounding so pathetic, not even knowing that it was the start to something that would get bigger.
I don't know what I'm going to say about that email, it was when our friendship was in a bit of a rut, right? I believe so. so I don't know where I'm going with this now...

Hm. I doubt you want to read them again, but if for any reason you do, I still have have them. I really do.
So, I'm done for now.
I don't want your forgiveness, I just really felt I had loose ends I needed to clarify a bit...
I believe we have found common ground now.
and for me, that is good.
Because I can communicate to you indirectly