VII
You came back, he left again, came back, left and came back again. Months had passed and You and Gackt had grown more to each other. Gackt and Anita made love almost every other day. A few pregnancy tests failed. Their hopes weren’t given up so easily. Gackt played more with the children from the Doctuore Middle School. He became better friends with a few. So much had gone right and it seemed it would always be getting better.
Gackt’s body was freezing in the cold winter air.
“Gackt! Gackt!” You pulled on his coal trench coat, “What about this one?” he said with his mouth wide.
Gackt cupped his hands and breathed into them. His warm breath heated them quickly for a short while. The cold were in his hands to stay. He looked up.
“Oh wow, Anita! Anita!” he called, “This one is perfect.”
She headed over and took a look herself. “Oh my,” she said. It was the most radiant tree. Gackt imagined all the ornaments and the star on top. It was unflawed.
“Excuse me,” a warm hearted man said, tapping lightly on Gackt’s shoulder. “Is this one taken?”
Gackt’s eyes slowly drifted from the man to the tree behind him. It was taller and the shape was an exact triangle. There weren’t as many bristles and branches and it wasn’t full green like the other tree. It was a faded green.
“It’s not taken,” Gackt said, “We aren’t interested.”
The man shook Gackt’s hand, “You’re a life saver. Thanks a lot!” the man looked at the tree and shook his head. As he bought the tree, Gackt looked upon the other one.
“Gackt,” You said, “Why did you give our tree away?” he said silently.
“That wasn’t our tree,” he said smiling at You and Anita, “This is.” He jumped next to the tree he had been so focused on, “What do you think?”
“It’s too tall,” Anita said.
“It’s not full,” You said.
“It’s not perfect, but it’s flaws make it beautiful,” Gackt mentioned.
Anita smiled. She liked how he always reminded her of how she truly felt. She understood and You understood also. When they had their tree and was out of the cold into their home, Gackt and Anita took in the tree and stood it up. Not ornaments, no lights, it still looked beautiful. They all looked upon it and Gackt saw a small tear on You’s face.
“What’s wrong, You?” he asked wiping his tear away.
“A real tree. I’ve never had a real tree before,” You said, his cheeks crimson with joy.
“A fake one?” Gackt asked.
“Yep,” You stared at the tree a bit longer.
Gackt started a fire in the fireplace and sat upon the couch with his acoustic guitar and played a Christmas song. His voice seemed more full and the twinkle in his eyes and smile sparkled flashes that reflected those same eyes and smile into Anita and You. As Anita pulled all the Christmas things out of the plastic tubs, she quietly sang along to the songs he played. Though Gackt sang songs with a very different melody, it was distinct and Anita hurriedly memorized his patterns.
“All the ornaments are out,” she said a bit out of breath.
“You guys didn’t have to wait for me to come to do all this stuff,” You reminded.
“Of course we did,” Gackt stopped singing and put down his guitar, “We’re family. Holiday fun has to be had as a bunch,” he smiled.
“Well you let me know when the fun starts,” Anita flew onto the couch and closed her eyes.
“It starts now!” Gackt threw both of his arms in the air.
“Ugh,” Anita moaned.
“Oh, get in the Christmas spirit, Anita,” he said throwing a candy cane at her.
“Oh,” Anita sighed, “Father of the family chooses the activities.”
Gackt tilted his head, “Ginger bread men,” he nodded. You laughed and giggled with excitement. He grabbed You with one hand and Anita with the other. Anita took down two bowls and mix, ginger, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and other ingredients. She mixed them together, different ingredients in different bowls. Gackt began to impersonate Martha Stewart.
“Mmmm, see how thick it is? You wanna stir it just like this. Oh it’s coming along great!” he said in a womanly voice, “Can’t wait to pop this in the oven,” Gackt squealed.
“Shut up, Gackt!” Anita said laughing. She put the bowls in the refrigerator to cool for an hour.
“While we wait for it to chill,” Gackt said, “We can decorate our stockings!”
Gackt and You jumped up and down, squealing like small children. While Gackt got the glitter, paint and glue, Gackt worried. He wasn’t sure where Yoshiki was. He should have been at his home and hour and a half ago. He figured he would be there soon. He put everything on the table and gave You his stocking. They all began decorating. Gackt pasted a glittery tree. It was very sloppy. Every time Gackt tried to fix it, he would make it worse. Anita pasted a snowman with Santa Clause, his arm wrapped around the snowman. It was good. You pasted Anita, Gackt, Yoshiki and himself sitting by the fire with “Merry Christmas: in pretty cursive letters. It was fantastic. Gackt took a glance and felt embarrassed about his. He didn’t mind though. He laughed to himself. He was so happy. He could never explain the bliss. They had all finished around the same time. They looked at each others.
“Anita! Yours is so cute!” Gackt said.
“It is!” You agreed.
They looked at Gackt’s.
“It’s ummm . . . Really nice,” Anita smiled and nodded. She laughed a bit also.
“What is it?” You asked.
“It’s a tree . . .” Gackt said quietly, “. . . kind of.”
They laughed and looked at You’s. “I think You wins,” Anita said.
“By far,” Gackt added.
The doorbell ran frantically, ‘Yoshiki’ Gackt thought. He answered the door to a shivering man with long curly hair.
“You’re late,” Gackt said.
“I know and I’m sorry!” he said, “. . . do you have any wrapping paper and a secluded place where I can use it? Tape too?” Yoshiki said.
“Go in the second guest room,” Gackt paused, “I mean guest room,” he corrected himself.
“When do I get a room?” Yoshiki asked.
“When you decide to move in,” Gackt said while pulling him in and shitting the door quickly. Even You and Anita were shaking from the cold in the kitchen.
“Good, because I’m being evicted!” Yoshiki raised his hand for a high five.
“Evicted?” Gackt repeated turning down his high five.
“My stuff is in my car and I’ll get it later. I’m a little mad at the fact that you guys already started decorating stockings without me,” he said looking in the kitchen.
Gackt gave him a stocking, “Go ahead and decorate,” Gackt said pointing to the table.
Yoshiki greeted everyone and sat down.
“What’s that?” he asked pointing at Gackt’s stocking. They all laughed.
“It’s a tree!” Gackt told him.
While they all wrote their names on their stockings, Yoshiki took all the paint and squirted it all over the stocking. He smeared all the paint together with his hands. The whole stocking was a dark purple. He poured the rest of the glitter on his stocking. They all stared at him.
“That’s not what you’re supposed to do, Yoshiki,” Gackt laughed.
“I thought I could make it any way I want,” Yoshiki argued.
“Well, yeah, but …” Gackt laughed, “Write something that you put your heart in,” Gackt suggested.
Yoshiki thought for a little while then snapped his fingers. “I got it!” Yoshiki took green paint and wrote the word ‘diva’ on it. He struck a pose.
“… very nice Yoshiki,” They all giggled at him.
“I’m going to go to my house and get my stuff,” Yoshiki said giving Gackt a kiss.
“You’re really moving in?” Gackt asked excitedly.
“Gackt, I was just kidding. They whole evicted thing was a joke. I just wanted to see your reaction. I actually am spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with the rest of X,” Yoshiki said, “I’ll come by tomorrow and wish you all a very Merry Christmas,” he giggled and kissed Gackt one more time and left quickly.
Gackt’s excitement flew away and quickly came back when Anita began to speak.
“Time to finish the gingerbread men,” she said happily. Gackt raced into the kitchen as Anita took the dough out and smoothed it with a rolling pin. Gackt gave You the cookie cutter and he cut out perfect little gingerbread men. Gackt took those and pushed them out of the cookie cutters gently onto the pan. Anita put them in the oven ten minutes per batch. They made dozens of them. When they were cool they all decorated them. Anita made hers look like a reign deer. You made his into Santa Clause. Gackt made his into an angel. He broke off some of the other gingerbread man’s legs to make wings. The whole cookie was white. Gackt was proud of it. It was a lot better than his tree on his stocking. They all made enough to fill six baskets. Gackt saw You looking at the tree.
“Do you want to decorate the tree now, You?” he looked at him dearly.
You nodded and rushed to the tree. Gackt and Anita followed. There were so many different types of ornaments. Red and green balls and clear crystal angels, bright gold sleds and shiny silver and glittery snowflakes. You couldn’t go one second without holding one in his hand. Gackt smiled at him.
“Why in such a hurry?” Gackt asked grabbing his shoulders and giggling at You and his large smile.
“Real ornaments!” You said excitedly.
“You haven’t put real ornaments on your tree? What does that mean?”
“We used stickers,” You said.
“Stickers?” Gackt asked him with a strange look.
“Mmhm,” he said grabbing an ornament and placing it in an empty spot, “Mom cuts out a green tree out of green construction paper and we put stickers on it.”
Gackt looked at Anita with a hurt look on his face. The look was returned back to him. She felt it too.
“Why didn’t she ever get a real tree?” Gackt asked him quietly to hide his blues.
“She didn’t want to deal with all the bristles and things,” he stated still attacking the ornaments.
“Why wouldn’t she buy a plastic tree?” he asked him right after.
“She didn’t want to built it up and take it down. I told her I would do it myself and take it down myself but she still said ‘no’,” You said without sadness in his tone.
Gackt’s heart ached. It was almost surreal, the pain he felt. He had never felt such a strong feeling like this one. It may have been sympathy. It may have been anger. He didn’t know. All he knew what that it was burning. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly to keep the tears from falling. When he felt he would make it, he looked upon the shimmering child once more.
“You,” he broke silently.
You looked at him. He looked in his eyes and knew something were wrong.
“Would you like to pt the star on top?”
You’s eyes watered and was too choked to say anything. The lump in his throat became bigger and bigger every time he thought about it. He swallowed and swallowed but the lump still came back. After trying several times to speak he just nodded. Gackt took the shiny ice star and put it into You’s hand.
“I won’t be able to reach,” You said holding the star as high as he could.
Gackt smiled and held him up as high as he could without startling him. He placed the star on the tip of the tree gently. He gently took him down and the whole while, Anita had been taking pictures the entire time. The only sound You should hear was Gackt’s voice and the only sound Gackt could hear was You’s voice. They all stood back and looked at the tree.
“Well,” Gackt sighed, “What do you bother think?” Gackt asked with what looked like a permanent smile on his face.
“Perfect,” Anita said.
“You?” Gackt asked.
You grabbed onto Gackt’s hand tightly. He sighed a sigh of content as well, “Wow daddy,” he began, “that was fun and it really is beautiful.”
Anita and Gackt both stared at him with wide eyes.
“I’m glad you picked this one instead of the other one. I really see the beauty in this one,” You said happily. He kept going on but his voice morphed into Gackt’s ears. His Morphed into the title You had given Gackt.
“I can’t wait to tell mom. She said she wanted me to have a ‘real’ Christmas this year so she let me spend it with you,” he still went on.
Gackt kept replaying it inside his head. He couldn’t hear anything but that word. He couldn’t see anything but that word. He couldn’t feel anything but that word.
“She has to see how beautiful it is. Can we keep it up until she comes?” You looked at him.
Gackt was still in a trance. He wanted to depart from it but he couldn’t.
“Dad?” he tugged on Gackt’s arm.
“Dad?” Gackt asked him, “Why did you call me that?” he asked again giving You a weird look.
You let go of his hand and walked backwards slowly, “I didn’t think you would mind and I thought that you said,” he began to hiccup and his eyes were watering. He ran to his room too quickly. Gackt chased after him. When Gackt got to his room, the door was shut and locked. Gackt banged on the door.
“You! You open the door!” Gackt could hear You crying and he felt like screaming. “You, please talk to me!”
He slid his back down the wall on the opposite side and closed his eyes. He rubbed his neck. He tried to think but he could only hear the soft cries of You.
“You, it’s just, well, you surprised me,” he said, “I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t mind if that’s how you think of me. I’m truly flattered as a matter of act. I’ll tell you a secret if you open up, You,” he said giving the door another bang.
The door slowly opened and You’s tiny face peeked out. He was sitting on the floor just looking at Gackt.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Sorry for what?” Gackt asked him seriously.
“I ruined Christmas Eve,” he began bawling again.
Gackt slowly pushed the door open and crawled inside. He cradles You.
“That’s not true,” he sighed, “Do you know how full of jest this day has been?: he looked at You with serious eyes that melted into his. “The best Christmas Eve I have ever had, is this one here with you and Anita.”
“Mine too,” You said, “He held Gackt’s hand again, “So, what was the secret?” You reminded.
Gackt sighed and rubbed his neck again, “The secret is …” he paused, “You think of me as your father,”
“I know that,” You giggled.
“Well, I think of you as my very own son. I really do, You,” he convinced him.
“So it’s okay if I call you ‘dad’?” he asked.
“Of course,” Gackt said smiling at him, “I think it’s about time you’ve gone to bed,” he said.
You nodded and raced into his new bed and warm covers. Gackt followed and tucked him in. Gackt liked this feeling, the feeling of being a real father. It was something he would love to feel like every single day of his life. He smiled at that thought.
“Goodnight dad,” You said while closing his eyes.
Gackt beamed, “Goodnight, my son,” he said while rustling his hair between his fingers. Gackt’s hands were large and one of those hands could fully cover You’s head and more. He tucked him in gently and gave him a long and loving kiss on his forehead, then his cheeks, his lips and his nose. He gave him a few long hugs and finally departed fro him. He smiled as he turned out the light. While exiting You’s room, he noticed that Anita had turned everything off. He struggled to get to his bedroom in the dark. When he made it, he turned the light on and began to take off his clothes. He did so soundlessly. He didn’t want to wake up Anita, if she had fallen asleep so quickly. He turned and deeply gasped. Anita … in her white lingerie giving him that quite sensual gaze. He licked his lips slowly. She looked beautiful. Her dark skin with the bright lightness embracing her. He knew what she wanted. She beckoned to him and he followed her pretty finger.
Throughout the night, Anita’s Christmas gift to Gackt had been given. He appreciated this gift fully. When the gifts were out and the snow fell lightly, the night was at an ease.
~
“Dad! Dad!” You banged and bashed and sang and flashed. He flicked the light switch on and off repeatedly. Gackt moaned and groaned. Anita laughed and joined in by singing Christmas carols obnoxiously. Gackt laughed but he didn’t want to get up.
“Rudolf, the red-nose reindeer,” they began.
Gackt lifted his eyebrows with his whole body. He sat up straight and looked at the clock.
“Exactly what kind of child would want to get up at 5:00?” he asked.
You and Anita grabbed his hands and pulled him up. It seemed as if he were sleep-walking. He knew he weren’t awake but he knew he weren’t sleeping. He watched as Anita divided the presents. They were all equal. Several gifts each. Gackt motioned for You to open his first gift. Anita held Gackt’s hand as they both smiled at You. His smile was full of joy and he couldn’t help but squeal at all the excitement. He started to open the gift, nearly taking off the tape and unfolding it more than opening it but tearing it apart like most kids would. Music books. Music books for the violin, several of them all in one package. You looked up at Gackt and Anita, his eyes beautiful and clear with transparent drops spilling slowly out. He looked through the pages slowly. Mozart, Schubert, Beethoven. He looked over the well known composers and smiled at all the books. He held them to his chest.
“Thank you,” he said silently.
Gackt and Anita teared up also.
“You’re welcome,” Anita and Gackt sang in unison.
“Your turn, Anita,” Gackt said, “You and I made this one,” Gackt smiled and nudged You. When Anita was out with her friends, You and Gackt spent all day making her gift. You’s idea was fantastic and Gackt thought it were unflawed. She opened it carelessly but gently. A snow globe. Inside was a picture of Gackt, You and Anita from the first week You had been staying there with light blue and silver glitter inside. One of Gackt’s rings were super glued at the bottom of the plastic sand. A charm to You’s necklace were also glued there. Anita shook her head.
“It’s lovely,” Anita said looking at the both of them, especially at You. She shook it and watched it all change.
“Thank you,” she said sweetly.
“Dad! It’s your turn,” he said jumping up and down, “Open mine! Open mine!” he said getting his gift and giving it to him. Gackt laughed and grabbed the small gift.
“I love it,” Gackt said looking at the roughly wrapped and over taped gift.
You rolled his eyes, “You have to know what it is to like it, dad,” he said.
“Nuh uh!” Gackt playfully argued.
“Oh, Gackt, just open it,” Anita said.
“I’m scared to,” Gackt said in a small voice.
“Why?“ You asked a little hurt.
“I’m afraid that I’ll love it too much and I might lose it,” Gackt said seriously.
“You can’t lose it dad!” You laughed, “Just open it and see what it is,” You said.
Gackt slowly opened it. He trusted You. He wouldn’t lose it, but Gackt always lost the things he loved, gifts, people, energy, everything he needed to enamor the day he would lose in the blink of an eye. Gackt focused on ripping the dark blue paper with snowflakes on it slowly, bit by bit. He looked at it. A necklace. A small stone with a thin brown velvet lace that fed thought a whole in the small charm that looked like an animals tooth. He touched it gently. It was beautiful.
“Put it on and never take it off and you’ll never lose it,” you said smiling.
“Will you?” Gackt asked holding It out for You to tie it around his neck. He jumped up and tired a tight knot. Gackt couldn’t stop touching it. He loved it.
After all the gifts were opened and the floor was redecorated with wrapping paper, they all relaxed. Gackt laid back and began to rest. A bursting memory stopped him.
“You!” he screamed. You jumped and let out a little squeal. Anita jumped also but stared at him. “I forgot to wrap your other gift.” You’s eyes lit up as Gackt rushed to his room and grabbed the gift and came out with a sky blue book with a picture of them both on the cover. He handed it to You.
“What is it?” You asked.
“It’s a journal,” Gackt said sluggishly, “I made a red and yellow one too.” Gackt said then rand to go and get them.
You traced his fingers upon the cover. It was so big. It seemed about 350 or 400 pages. So did the others. He looked at them as Gackt entered again. Gackt put the others in You’s arms. You smiled.
“And so your mom won’t read,” he began and handed him a little shiny new silver key,” You can lock them up,” Gackt smiled softly.
“Darn!” Jan had been standing there with her short body and large black purse.
“Hi mom!” You said waving, “Mom, look at our tree, it’s ginormous!” he said pointing to it.
She looked at it. “It sure is pretty,” She nodded.
“I got to put the star on top,” you boasted.
Gackt and Anita giggled at You. He began telling his mother of everything they did. Even after he got dressed and it seemed he would be talking the whole day. Gackt and Anita waved him goodbye.
“Do you have everything you need?” she asked him.
He looked at all the journals and decided on the blue one. He left quietly while young Gackt sighed.
